Author Topic: Worst Cooking Gaffes.  (Read 3411 times)

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Offline Vitamin X

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Worst Cooking Gaffes.
« on: April 08, 2009, 09:09:34 AM »
So a couple people already know what happened to me the other day, in that I misread a recipe that asked for a tablespoon of salt and instead put in a whole cup, resulting in the dish being basically inedible (I finished like, 1/3rd of still) and fucking it up. It was probably my worst cooking gaffe in years, even Czech said it was like seeing Buster Douglas knock out Mike Tyson. My biggest mistake though was in following a recipe instead of just doing it the way I thought it should be like, like I had made the dish a previous couple times and it turned out alright. Turns out I fixed what I did wrong last night while making it again and they turned out fucking great.

But, a bright side to all this was that I got a good idea for a thread out of it. I know that even the best cooks around here have fucked up pretty bad at some points, whether it was burning the shit out of something or subbing in something that completely messed up the flavor, or putting in the wrong portion of something like I did. What are your worst cooking gaffes?

Offline the max

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« Reply #1 on: April 08, 2009, 09:17:12 AM »
Thinking cream of tartar made tartar sauce for my fish sticks when I was a stupid 9 year old. It doesn't, by the way.

Offline SBofn

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« Reply #2 on: April 08, 2009, 09:25:16 AM »
I accidentally used vanilla-flavored soy milk to make Hamburger Helper.  I had it simmer forever to try and evaporate as much of the milk as possible, but it still tasted like ice cream macaroni casserole.
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Offline CookieMueller

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« Reply #3 on: April 08, 2009, 11:29:26 AM »
I put a pot of water on to boil and got distracted by something outside and all the water boiled out and burned the fuck out of the pot so bad I had to throw it out.

Offline Beer Baron

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« Reply #4 on: April 08, 2009, 01:19:42 PM »
It was at work, and I wanted to put a bit of parsley and thyme on basmati rice and instead of thyme I grabbed dill. It was rancid and is now a running gag when anyone makes basmati rice.


Offline foleyfanforever88

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« Reply #5 on: April 09, 2009, 07:11:03 AM »
I accidentally used vanilla-flavored soy milk to make Hamburger Helper.  I had it simmer forever to try and evaporate as much of the milk as possible, but it still tasted like ice cream macaroni casserole.

How is this a gaffe?

Offline Kotzenjunge

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« Reply #6 on: April 09, 2009, 08:12:51 AM »
The morning of Super Bowl XXXI when I was 13, I went to make some cereal and it tasted awful. I couldn't figure out what the problem was, as the milk wasn't expired or anything. I dumped the bowl and made another with different cereal, thinking maybe what was in the milk was the issue. Nope, still ass in a bowl. Turned out I was using buttermilk.

Offline SBofn

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« Reply #7 on: April 09, 2009, 08:19:18 AM »
How is this a gaffe?

I'll make it for you the next time you're over.
Of course cage matches work.  If they didn't work, everybody would still be in the cage.

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Offline Dandy

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« Reply #8 on: April 09, 2009, 08:55:29 AM »
Too much lemon juice for the chicken dish I was cooking up one day.  It was pretty bad.
Oh Dandy...you came and you gave without taking!

Offline Amy pats fan

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« Reply #9 on: April 09, 2009, 05:29:37 PM »
I love broiled and baked scallops.

I tried broiling and baking scallops myself

Bad idea

Best left to the professionals, at least until I get more education on the process than an amalgamation of online "cooking books"

Offline GAYGENT OF OBLIVION

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« Reply #10 on: April 09, 2009, 11:02:31 PM »
I melted an entire rubber scraper in a frying pan when I went out to smoke.

Offline 👓bigolsmitty👓

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« Reply #11 on: April 09, 2009, 11:33:26 PM »
I put a pot of water on to boil and got distracted by something outside and all the water boiled out and burned the fuck out of the pot so bad I had to throw it out.

I did this with rice and went running.  Smoked up the whole house.
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Offline kkktookmybabyaway

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« Reply #12 on: April 10, 2009, 02:05:17 AM »
I thought ex-lax was a candy bar.

Nothing I have ever done in the kitchen can compete with this.

Offline Vitamin X

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« Reply #13 on: April 10, 2009, 06:00:10 AM »
I love broiled and baked scallops.

I tried broiling and baking scallops myself

Bad idea

Best left to the professionals, at least until I get more education on the process than an amalgamation of online "cooking books"
What went wrong with it?  Scallops are a delicate seafood, but I think I've made some bacon-wrapped versions myself that were pretty darn tasty. The key was to make them like I make steaks sometimes, mainly start cooking them in a cast iron (really any sort of oven-safe one, but cast iron is the shiz) frying pan while the broiler heats up, get both sides, then wrap the suckers in bacon, and broil for a couple minutes, which will cook the bacon and the scallops completely. I do about 4 large or 6 medium ones that way. Stick a bamboo skewer or toothpick through them to hold em together too, that's important.

Offline Amy pats fan

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« Reply #14 on: April 10, 2009, 04:21:14 PM »
The main thing that went wrong is the egg-based breading I attempted to concoct for the baking phase turned out terribly, I do a lot of cooking but breading things is something I rarely do

The other thing is that at some point in the process, the broiling most likely, the scallops were cooked too long and became tough and rubbery

I'll try it again some time, with the knowledge of my past failure hopefully leading to an improved product

EDIT

The other thing is I used bay scallops trying to save money, when I should have gone with fatty sea scallops.  I had to adjust for that and it fucked up my timing and approach quite a bit

Offline Vitamin X

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« Reply #15 on: April 10, 2009, 04:29:54 PM »
Ah yeah, bay scallops are better sauteed than baked or broiled. You can cook the sea scallops a lot longer.

Offline ViciousFish

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« Reply #16 on: April 11, 2009, 03:46:29 AM »
VX why aren't you wasting your life in the high stress, high profile, you have to sell your soul to make a decent living world of gourmet chef-ing?
Matt, don't be a fag. Post some huge cocks.

Offline Vitamin X

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« Reply #17 on: April 11, 2009, 06:44:06 AM »
Vicious, I probably would be if I hadn't spent all my money and education on filmmaking and journalism in college. That said, with the economy the way it is now, I wouldn't be surprised if I went post-college into being a cook somewhere. I already have several friends in the restaurant biz here in Portland, and they've all told me they hate kids from culinary institutions since they basically have to re-train them; a fresh kid with just some open, fresh knowledge of how to cook at home is easier to teach since they don't think they know it all already. I'd probably fall in that later category since I still fuck up a perfectly good dish from time to time and have no problems admitting I'm wrong.

Offline Psycho Penguin

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« Reply #18 on: April 11, 2009, 07:09:22 AM »
I cooked easy mac without water in the microwave. On my birthday. In my brother's dorm room. His dorm hallway was not amused when the fire deparment came.

Offline Saints_Fan_H

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« Reply #19 on: April 12, 2009, 01:23:04 AM »
You know that Ron White joke about how his wife thinks the smoke alarm is the oven timer?

That about sums up my girlfriend's cooking. If we ever live together, we'll starve unless I cook.


As far as my own personal gaffes go, I once tried BAKING hamburgers, you know, since it's healthier than frying. All I know is that the pan filled up with burger grease and it took freaking forever to accomplish my goals.

It can be accomplished I just need to better plan in the future.

Offline the max

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« Reply #20 on: April 12, 2009, 12:55:22 PM »
a baked hamburger is meatloaf.

Offline GAYGENT OF OBLIVION

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« Reply #21 on: April 12, 2009, 10:51:43 PM »
Could've done 'em under a broiler. That would work.

If health is your goal, though, just grill 'em. It'd taste better anyway.

OH, and topic-related: I read part of this book the other day at the bookstore. Some hilarious stories in here, including the infamous Anthony Bourdain New Year's Eve 1991 incident. Also, Wiley Dufresne goes to France and shares a room in a boarding house with a fucking owl.

I'll probably end up getting this.

Offline Saints_Fan_H

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« Reply #22 on: April 13, 2009, 03:51:35 AM »
a baked hamburger is meatloaf.
:) thanks. Mind you this story takes place 12 years ago or so.





I once made a spaghetti sauce with hamburger meat and essentially cooked out all the liquid.

I used to do a lot of unsupervised cooking in my youth resulting in "well guess we're ordering pizza."

Now a days though I'm pretty stellar in the kitchen.

Offline A Happy Medium

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« Reply #23 on: April 13, 2009, 05:59:21 AM »
My biggest mistake would have to a be few years ago, when I was frying up some bacon.  After I was done with the bacon, and moving things over to finish up, I accidently spilled some of my soda that I was sipping on into the pan.

I had a nice fire erupt in the pan, and pretty much freaked out for a few moments until the fire died out.

Other than that, I haven't made any big mistakes.

Offline Kotzenjunge

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« Reply #24 on: April 13, 2009, 05:41:50 PM »
a baked hamburger is meatloaf.
We called it "the brown shit" at MEPS when we had dinner at the hotel the night before going to the base. I felt cheated almost, because it looked like a regular hamburger patty, but noooooo.

Offline ZGangsta

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« Reply #25 on: April 16, 2009, 07:53:50 AM »
It seems like whenever I cook or bake something I'll invariably mistake the "TSP" in the recipe for "TBSP." Most of the time I catch it before I mix it in, but sometimes that has bad results.

Offline El Psycho Diablo

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« Reply #26 on: April 16, 2009, 12:43:17 PM »
Aside from the "Oh, crap! I left that pot of water on the stove!" moments that seem to be fairly common in this thread, I can't think of much that I've done personally.

Offline GAYGENT OF OBLIVION

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« Reply #27 on: June 11, 2010, 12:21:22 AM »
Last night I'm cooking my lunch to take to work, and decided on some rotini with olive oil and herbs and shit. Most difficult part is boiling water, yeah? Well, I go to shake some dried oregano on there, and the top comes off the god damn thing. I look into the pan and say, aloud, by myself: "You pig-fucking whore." and threw away the now-empty oregano god-damn. I dusted most of it off, but the shit had the texture of something dropped in a pile of dead leaves. inedible.

Offline Lord of The Curry

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« Reply #28 on: June 11, 2010, 02:36:58 AM »
I learned the hard way that you only really need a tiny amount of red wine vinegar when making a salad dressing. Ugggghhhhh.

Offline Beer Baron

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« Reply #29 on: June 11, 2010, 08:43:48 AM »
I was marinating the pork chops with extra virgin olive oil and some apple cider vinegar with some herbs. I wasn't paying attention and when I cooked the pork chops all I can taste was the cider vinegar making the chop inedible. I went back to the kitchen, and low and behold, the bottle of oil unopened.

Offline Vitamin X

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« Reply #30 on: June 11, 2010, 11:37:39 AM »
I learned the hard way that you only really need a tiny amount of red wine vinegar when making a salad dressing. Ugggghhhhh.
Yeah. One part vinegar to three or four parts olive oil, drizzled in slowly as you whisk. Making your own salad dressing is one of the best, most cost effective things I ever learned how to do. My favorite is just the vinaigrette with a bit of dijon mustard and honey mixed in. If you want it creamy, add an egg yolk. If there's one thing I really love experimenting with, it's dressings and sauces.

Offline Saints_Fan_H

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Re: Worst Cooking Gaffes.
« Reply #31 on: April 14, 2017, 04:43:05 AM »
Ever since my cheap Wal-mart mini grill rusted out we've been using a Foreman grill. However, upon my wife buying some big ass ribeyes at like $9/each she said "you need to figure out how to use the broiler!" Seems the last time we used it, the apartment filled with a LOT of smoke.

So I opened up a few google tabs: The operator manual for our stove and the broiler setting, guide to broiling steaks in another tab, and good marinades for steaks in a third tab.

I got it all sorted out and set about seasoning up the meat. The last tab suggested olive oil. The Frigidaire manual said to broil on high for 6 minutes, flip, and whatever time flipped to get the doneness that you want. I went ahead and remembered to put the vent fan on. I let the thing preheat for five minutes and put the meat on the broiler pan, on the 5th rack.

Smoke was heavily pouring up into my vent so I kept a watchful eye on things. At 6 minutes I flipped the steaks, all was well. At the 4 minute mark I pulled my steak. Wife wanted hers a little more cooked. Put it back in. 45 seconds later I had a working fire. I refused to call 911 for something I can handle so I took stock of the situation, it was the pan, not the actual oven on fire so I grabbed my long tongs and pulled the flaming pan out, and placed it in the sink, plated the steak.

So we're standing there waiting for this thing to burn out, it's not burning out. Mrs. SFH suggests I put water on it (she's panicking, I'm just like ''this is cool.") I explained to her no, you don't put water on a kitchen fire. I sprinkled a little bit to show her, and sure enough a fireball shoots up and burns out about 2 feet over our head and thankfully did not ignite the curtains on the kitchen window. I see a pot lid with the clean dishes and slowly get the fire to suffocate with that, circular lid vs rectangular pan.

The pan was a total loss. The steak tasted fine. The next time I did steaks I did not use olive oil. Seems you do NOT broil olive oil coated food and I didn't cross reference my Google searches well enough.

House was full of smoke for over two hours, had to pull the battery from the smoke alarm. Next time I'll call the fire department for their big ventilation fan.