Jonathan Dehn
WWE Monday Night Raw
05/26/2014
University of Tennessee
-We get a Keith David voiced intro in honor of Memorial Day…and then it’s time for HHH and Steph to come out to start the show. They’re hated, as usual. Stephanie eagerly waits for Bryan to choose to vacate his belts. Stephanie really enjoys disrupting the chanting for Bryan, agreeing with them each time. I wouldn’t do that if you actually want him over. HHH takes the microphone over and calls Bryan a flash in the pan, and then talks of legends that stick around for years and years. Man, I’m suddenly remembering so many terrible things from ten years ago. So, HHH calls Evolution legends since they’ve been around forever. Randy has to punt himself, I guess.
There will be a contract signing for The Shield and Evolution later on in the evening. Okay then, I’d argue that we’re past that point. Oh, and Brad Maddox comes out to accept his punishment for allowing Reigns and Ambrose to be at ringside. “TV time is money, Brad,” says HHH, not realizing that it’s not nearly as expensive as investors would like. Brad answers for himself by saying that he was forced into the decision. Steph thinks he had a choice in the matter but says she has no choice but to bring out Kane. So, HHH slugs Maddox and the guy who used to merely argue with him in the back stands over him. Kane picks him up, waits ten years to make Kidman nervous, and chokeslams him. Maddox gets a tombstone. Stephanie brings the lights back up and takes control of Kane’s power and remembers to tell Maddox that he is also fired.
Cesaro vs. Rob Van Dam
Bad News Barrett interrupts before the match begins, microphone in hand. Cesaro stomps away to begin after Barrett verbally puts down RVD and hits a back suplex. Barrett grabs a headset. Van Dam gets a kick to the face and punches away at Cesaro. But, Cesaro catches him and hits him with the gutwrench and follows with an uppercut in the corner, and another. Rob gets an elbow up in the corner, delivers a kick, and clotheslines Cesaro to the outside. RVD goes for an apron moonsault, but Cesaro catches him and drives him into the barricade before we go to break.
We return with Rob coming off the top with a senton for two. Cesaro takes a breather before RVD comes off of the top with a body press and gives Barrett a superkick for being a dick. Badass sequence. Back inside, RVD hits the split legged moonsault for two. Rob steps through with a wheel kick and goes for the frog splash. Barrett distracts, however, and Cesaro hits a German Suplex for the win. After the match, Sheamus comes charging out on Cesaro. Sheamus kicks his damned head off and returns the favor by giving him a handshake as he lies unconscious on the mat.
Final Thoughts: **1/2. Van Dam looked good tonight, as he certainly seems to have trouble with consistency. Being in his forties just might have something to do with that. The after match shenanigans were fun, with Sheamus just showing up to kick ass and then leaving, which is just what needs to happen while he is a face.
Eva Marie vs. Summer Rae
Nikki is accompanying Eva, of course. Let’s just get this over with. Eva slaps Summer to begin and does an impression of a professional wrestler for a little while. Summer stomps in the corner and gets a hairtoss. Summer drives her head into the mat a few times. The crowd starts to chant for Daniel Bryan a bit before Fandango and Layla come out to distract Summer for the rollup that could be seen about a minute out.
Final Thoughts: I was fearful that Eva would flub her face bumps into the mat and break her nose.
-Orton and Batista are in the office plotting while The Rhodes Bros come in to make it known that they’re putting out an open challenge. They go over some history before HHH shows up and puts the four into a match, but seems to be plotting for it to be something not quite as it seems. Also, HHH was either taking off his suit or putting it back on. That display of violence in the opening segment must have led to some marital relations.
Drew McIntyre vs. El Torito
El Torito has quite the undefeated streak. It’s time for “comedy”. This would be funny, or more so, if the table called this straight up. Drew gets arm dragged, but gains revenge with a slam. Drew stalks him in the most cartoonish way, and shoves him around…tossing him through the air by the leg. Ouch. Drew goes to the top while holding El Torito. He fights out as 3MB and Los Matadores brawl. Drew gets cut down covered for the win. After the match, Horny and 3MB corner El Torito and beat him down. Horny pulls off his tail and beats him with it. Torito runs off, clutching his ass.
Final Thoughts: This was not funny. This is escalating and Horny or Torito are going to get seriously hurt.
-Backstage, the hilarity continues to ensue, where El Torito is treated for his detached tail. This segues nicely into…
-“Tennessee, we’re here.” Bray needs a new song to sing, I think. Anyways, plenty of cell phones wave in the background as Bray talks about how he really has the whole world in his hands. Bray says that he knows what’s right for the masses. For the ills of society, he sees himself as the anti-venom to the poisonous “man”. Bray is adamant that at Payback, he will be the last man standing. Bray points out Jerry Lawler, and asks to have a word with the king. Rowan and Harper stalk to collect Jerry, as Bray just wants a simple talk. Bray tells Cole and JBL to continue being cowards. JBL gets up from his seat, and gets blasted. He probably loves being able to take a lariat from Harper. Jerry is brought into the ring and given a chair to sit in. Bray accuses Jerry of spreading lies about how great John Cena is. Bray approaches for Sister Abigail. Finally, Cena finishes his sandwich and runs down to the ring. Harper and Rowan beat down Cena and make him watch before The Usos make the save to keep Jerry from taking Sister Abigail. Cena is aghast! Cena says that through his actions, he has not proven to himself to be a necessary evil by which he claims, but instead, just evil. Cena drops the line to him that Payback is going to be a bitch.
Zack Ryder w/ Old Glory vs. Rusev w/ Lana’s butt
I wish that Ryder came out to “Living in America” now. Ryder gets a couple of token right hands before this bear of a man climbs on top and pounds away. Lana calls from him to CRUSH him, furthering those old Rocky IV vibes. After the match, Big E comes down to help out Ryder, and they brawl. Big E comes bursting out of the corner and runs Rusev out of the ring. Big E waves the flag and Rusev backpedals up the ramp.
Final Thoughts: This was just a normal squash for him, but I have faith in Big E coming after Rusev as the big, American powerhouse who can throw Rusev around.
-Somewhere in the back, Stephanie can be seen chatting with Alberto Del Rio. We have no idea what they’re actually talking about, but the table foolishly thinks that she might be seeing if Del Rio is a worthy champion.
Randy Orton and Batista vs. The Rhodes Bros
Cody and Batista begin, and Batista works at Cody in the shoulder. Cody gets a boot up in the corner and comes down with an elbow. In comes Goldust, but he is run into the corner, and in comes Randy. Orton whiffs on the powerslam and Goldy gets The Oklahoma roll for two and then a powerslam for two. Cody is back with another elbow. Cody works in the corner and slugs away at Orton, who comes back with a kick and headbutt, and catches Cody with a knee. Batista comes in and slugs away. Batista hits a clothesline for just one. Dave hits a back elbow to keep Cody at bay. Goldust returns and comes in with a couple of clotheslines and an uppercut. Orton hits him with a knee from the apron and Batista hits the spinebuster for two. Randy tags in as we go to break.
We return with Batista driving forearms into Goldy’s lower back. Goldust answers with some right hands, but can’t get the tag. Batista nails him with a clothesline and gets two. Goldust comes back out of the corner with elbow and looks for the tag. Cody is a house of fire as he enters. Cody springs back into the ring with the dropkick and gets two on Orton. Cody gives a Disaster Kick to Batista and goes for another on Randy, but leaps into an RKO. Orton knocks Goldy from the apron and hits a second to finish this up. It turns out that this isn’t over, and this was just an elimination match and now Goldy has to go at it with no holds barred.
So, Goldust gets the crap beaten out of him on the outside, dropped on the barricade and rammed into the other side. Randy goes for the hangman’s DDT, but Goldust fights out. Goldust is speared and takes an RKO. Batista hits the Batistabomb to finish this up.
Final Thoughts: **. The match was a bit of a glorified squash and the swerve tossed in after the end of the first match felt pretty sloppy.
Sin Cara vs. Bo Dallas
Bo’s shirt is especially wet on his way to the ring. Plenty of perspiration to go with his inspiration, I guess. Bo reminds us that we don’t conquer a mountain, we conquer ourselves. Bo is super proud of himself after taking Sin Cara down, high fiving fans before Sin Cara whacks him and comes down off of the top rope. Back inside, Sin Cara chops in the corner, but gets heavily whipped into the corner for two. Dallas drops some knees and starts to get some heat from the fans after posing. Sin Cara gets an enzuigiri and follows with a few chops and a moonsault for two. Sin Cara springs back into the ring with an elbow and hits a Samoan drop before going up. Bo bails and gets a stungun. He finishes with the Bo-Dog and does a victory lap at ringside. He comes back into the ring and grabs a microphone. He gives the crowd words of inspiration and makes sure to hug Sin Cara out of sportsmanship.
Final Thoughts: A squash, but certainly entertaining. I think that this went over pretty well with a live crowd. Let’s go somewhere with this. Maybe Damien Sandow can get his groove back by being a Boliever.
-Stephanie is out for our Daniel Bryan segment. I like that Steph is being terrible in already finding her new champion. Bryan comes out, to a lesser pop than usual. Stephanie is happy that Bryan is doing well and reminds him that she could strip him. Bryan takes the microphone, and says that his neck is worse than he originally thought. So, he claims that there is no shame in it. He says that he won’t give them up, as it makes everything he fought for and everything the fans chanted for null and void. Bryan yells “NO!” into her face a few times. So, Stephanie gives Bryan until Sunday to turn them over, or she’ll fire his wife for putting her hands on a McMahon during a TV show.
Alicia Fox vs. Emma
They lockup to begin, and Alicia shoves her off but then takes a clothesline. They battle in the corner, but Emma puts on the DilEMMA. EMMAmite sandwich follows, and Fox bails outside. She goes to walk away, but Emma chases her. Fox takes her head off with DAS BOOT. PAIGE IS WATCHING TV. I think that Big E should teach a course on that. Fox hits a scissor kick on the apron and rolls Emma inside for two. Alicia slaps her in the corner, before Emma fights back and takes advantage of the situation and wins with the roll up. After the match, Fox beats on Emma in frustration. She hits a sloppy gutwrench backbreaker and tosses Emma from the ring. Why was Paige watching TV if she’s not going to come out and go after Fox? Alicia goes on another rampage, and begins to ring the bell in the table’s face. She even roughs up a ringside worker before yelling “WEDGIE TIME!” Yeah, she gives him a wedgie and then abuses people with Diet Coke and Sunkist. She throws a mostly full can of pop at the wedgie victim and then walks over to give him a kiss of apology.
Final Thoughts: That was bizarre and really, Alicia is dangerous out there. After the match, she threw Emma headfirst into the barricade, which is a great way to get a U2 music video detailing your rehab. However, the match at Payback could turn into a fun three way dance.
Davy Crockett (Damien Sandow) vs. Adam Rose
Remember, if Michael Cole thinks that something is cool, it definitely is. In case you’re wondering, Sandow is once again in costume. Rose rolls around the ring to upset Sandow. Rose gets his feet up in the ropes and hits a shoulderblock before Zeb and Jack come onto the rap after kidnapping Rose’s lemon. Rose hits the Part Foul anyways. Swagger beats up Rose after the match. However, Rose fights back with a spinebuster and slugs away. Swagger retreats with Rose telling him that no one touches his lemon.
Final Thoughts: And…the reality is that Rose is not a world class worker. Still this was in the slot of death, and it is what it is.
Sheamus vs. Alberto Del Rio
They lock up to begin and wrestle around in the corner. Sheamus gains control in corner and after a series of reversals, he hits the rolling senton for two. Sheamus drops a knee from the second buckle. ADR gets caught in the beats of the drum and gathers himself on the outside. Sheamus puts Del Rio into the table and back inside. ADR gets some boots and kicks Sheamus back outside before we go to break.
We’re back with Del Rio choking Sheamus in the ropes. Del Rio backs off, but Sheamus calls him in. He absorbs some blows and hits some punches like a man. Sheamus misses a corner charge and leans down against the post. Del Rio charges and kicks him in the head. That gets a long two. Del Rio slaps Sheamus, but that just pisses the guy off. Irish Curse gets two for Sheamus. Del Rio kicks Sheamus in the head once more, but Sheamus gets an elbow up in the corner and hits White Noise. Sheamus follows with a powerslam and backs into the corner, looking for The Brogue. But, it’s concussion city for Sheamus, as he loses his focus and gets kicked in the head once more. Del Rio follows with the Si Kick for nearly three. The referee checks on Sheamus. Del Rio goes for the cross armbreaker, but Sheamus gets out and hits The Brogue for the win. Paul Heyman comes in out of nowhere and takes the microphone from Roberts and just starts to rant about Undertaker and Brock Lesnar. Cesaro blindsides Sheamus with a big boot and forearms the hell out of him. Referees do a piss poor job in peeling the two apart. Cesaro finally finishes the beatdown with The Neutralizer.
Final Thoughts: ***. They added a good wrinkle to this match and Sheamus was fantastic in his selling and mixing it up with fighting spirit, which I’m a sucker for. Then again, I can’t help but be a bit snarky about how WWE has to do a concussion angle since it’s just about June or so.
-It’s time for a contract signing. Ambrose takes the microphone and puts over his team as Reigns slowly removes the stupid chairs from the ring. Seth talks about how silly it is to be signing a contract at this point. Roman makes sure to throw the table from the ring, as well. Before The Shield can sign, Evolution comes walking out. They have a lot of chairs to run through. Batista clears the chairs, though. That’s what he does, now. HHH tells them to think twice about signing after telling a story. They all sign the contract, with Ambrose dropping the pen because he is too hyped up. The contract is dropped at HHH’s feet. He’s a master of these things, you know. So, Evolution signs and Reigns shushes HHH on the microphone. That’s a good, simple catchphrase. We get the stand-off brawl to end the show. HH gets dumped to the floor, as does Orton. Rollins flips out onto. Ambrose takes a spear, but Reigns hits a Superman punch. HHH uses that sledgehammer on Reigns, and Evolution takes over with finishers. Roman takes a sledgehammer to the skull. The sledgehammer is used on Rollins and Ambrose and the announce table is prepped. Reigns goes through the table on a triple powerbomb. Evolution pose over Reigns to end the show, fists together and a sledgehammer over the top.
–Outside of the Total Divas nonsense and the 3MB/Los Matadores nonsense, Raw was good, if not workmanlike and solid. They set up most of their matches going into the PPV, with some bizarre stuff going on for the Diva’s Title. I’m looking forward to Bray vs. Cena on Sunday. With the probability of The Shield/Evolution stealing the show, you’re going to see the best out of Cena on Sunday. I would also have him winning that match. I feel like people are going to complain about WWE “dragging out” Bryan’s decision until Sunday night. I have no problem with it. He answered with great fire tonight, and Steph countered to coerce him into doing what she wants. It’ll come to a head on Sunday. Buy the damned Network if you really want to know what happens. Maybe it’s the beer I’ve been drinking, but I’m feeling better about Payback. I’ll see you then.
