Kayfabe, Lies and Alibis: Timeline WWE 2007 with Hornswoggle

The Benoit murders, Vince’s Limo incident, wrestlecrap gimmicks and much more is covered by this Lil Bastard

 

Presented by Kayfabe Commentaries

Hosted by Sean Oliver

Sean Oliver pokes fun of Hornswoggle’s lack of wrestling history knowledge. “I know Doink, I can’t tell you much about Verne Gagne.”

Hornswoggle loved Deuce and Domino’s gimmick. Since he himself is a gimmick, Swoggle likes goofy characters.

The drawback to doing “gimmicks” is that when creative runs out of interest in you, you then are either forced to be repackaged or released.

Cliff Compton (Domino) had a great personality backstage. Had that side of him made TV, it would have turned some heads. He might be too naughty for PG WWE though.

Tatanka being brought back in 2006 baffled Hornswoggle. Tatanka still looked good, but he had nothing in the ring.

Finlay came up with the idea of having a leprechaun sidekick. Ken Kennedy trained Swoggle back in Wisconsin and he pitched Swoggle hard to Vince.

Michael Hayes and Finlay are among the smartest guys in wrestling. Hornswoggle was among the drunkest.

Swoggle and Finlay hit it off from day 1. He considers Finlay another “dad” and Finlay guided and protected him.

The Royal Rumble is hard to work because there is so much to remember. You have to keep track of the guys who are going to be tossed out before you.

John Cena is a funny guy and should stick to comedy when doing movies to play to his strengths.

Jillian Hall’s bad singing gimmick made her stand out amongst the other wrestling women.

Great Khali, Daivari and Swoggle were riding partners town to town.

Great Khali was a huge diva. He didn’t want to take bumps and due to being from India he couldn’t eat cow, which limited his diet on the road.

Switching brands was no big deal for the talent. The brands did take pride in out drawing the other brands in towns. The Undertaker was the ringleader in Smackdown’s locker room, calling together the talent and cheering their successes.

The Little Boogeyman gave Swoggle a feud to work on TV. There was no fear that the WWE was phasing Swoggle out for another midget.

Boogeyman worked with Finlay for months on end to try and get him to improve in the ring.

Once while overseas the WWE did not have any worms for Boogeyman to use, so they gave him centipedes to eat. One of the bugs ended up biting his tongue and clung on as Boogey tried to rip it off in the middle of the ring.

Swoggle being “Little Bastard” was just something Michael Cole came up with on commentary. They changed it after a few months because marketing a cuss word to kids is bad business.

The Miz was often “on” even while riding town to town. He liked to troll and argue for the sake of arguing even when away from the fans.

Sean and Swoggle debate if your coworker posed for Playboy, would you be comfortable looking at it?   Hornswoggle never looked at Ashley Massaro’s Playboy spread.

Guys weren’t so much “pitched” ideas as much as they were told what was going to happen.

Drug testing was frequent enough to be legit. If you got tagged for using something, your testing frequency definitely went out.

The Hall of Fame ceremony is a mandatory thing to attend. It’s part of appreciating our past.

Donald Trump being part of Wrestlemania was great for free publicity. Trump loved being part of the show.

Bob Barker was the best guest host the WWE used during their time using celebrities for cheap publicity.

Taker would confront any talent who bashed Smackdown.

Swoggle was involved in the “Money in the Bank” Ladder match at Mania. He and the other guys in the match used a crash pad to tryout spots. Swoggle chickened out of taking a powerbomb off the ladder and instead took Kennedy’s “Green Bay Plunge.”

Oliver argues that the WWE should focus on wrestling and the byproducts of wrestling instead of movies and such. Swoggle thinks new avenues gives them a chance to find new revenue sources.

Mark Henry is a “presence”. When he comes out for a match, you have to say “Ohhhhhh.”

Ozzy Osborne had to use a teleprompter when he sung his new hit song on Smackdown. Ozzy is a legit fan, and even wore a costume to go to a house show without the WWE’s involvement.

The guest hosts were not paid much at all, and some may not have gotten more than the free plugs.

Johnny Ace is a straight shooter, which made many of the talents dislike him. Swoggle approves of his direct approach.

Stephanie was accepted as a creative force. She didn’t try and tell the guys how to wrestle, which may have ruffled some feathers had she tried.

Swoggle was annoyed that he spent his 21st birthday working in Canada, where 18 is the legal drinking age.

They had Hornswoggle blow mist for a spot. He had to chew on a condom and try and spew the mist without firing out the condom too. Swoggle screwed up several times in practice and was worried about blowing it on TV.

Vince McMahon “dying” when his limo blew up was an interesting idea. Where the storyline was going is still a mystery. They blew the thing up “live” and the limo was still smoking when the talent left a bit later.

The “draft” switches were largely a secret to the talent. The office would ask several guys to stand by the entryway backstage and one of them would be switched. The locker room talked a lot of smack during these events.

Johnny Ace called all the talent to the ring and Vince McMahon announced to them that Chris Benoit and his family had been murdered. CM Punk, Swoggle and others went back to the hotel room and sat in the hot tub as the news broke on their phones about what really happened.

The WWE had one more meeting about Benoit and then the subject was taboo and never mentioned again.

Swoggle believes that Benoit was actually murdered. They move on without fleshing out this talking point. WHAT!?!?!

The lack of a push for Zack Ryder drove a lot of the locker room crazy. He got himself over and revolutionized getting over on social media.

Some guys are so good at making other guys look good that they end up typecast as a jabroni.

Swoggle marked out for being able to take a chop from Ric Flair during a Finlay/Flair match.

Flair called Swoggle a wild man. Flair said the midgets were always drunken crazies.

Finlay should have been a World champ. He may have been too good at making others look good, and was stuck in his spot.

The Great Khali won the world title in a battle royal after Taker, Edge and others were out with injuries. Khali gives off a vibe thanks to his size that someone like Matt Hardy would not pull off. This built up a monster for a big babyface to slay.

Swoggle defends his run as Cruiserweight champ because it got people talking. He knows he has a lot of haters.

Hornswoggle was happy with his push at this point and the office knew that kids loved him.

Cena won a card game with Swoggle where the opening bet was 5 bucks and they kept doing double or nothing until they finished at $3,400.

Swoggle was a dick as he messed around with his co-workers. He was also willing to do wild stunts to pop the boys, such as being slid down the locker room floor naked.

Overseas tours were paid vacations. Swoggle was thrilled to be 21 years old and seeing things he never thought he’d be able to.

Vince hated Rey’s Summerslam ’07 superhero costume. McMahon did not “get” it.

The video game companies could not put Swoggle in the games as a wrestler because they could not figure out how to work his sprites due to his size. Rey Jr. was only a few inches taller and made it in with no issue. Hornswoggle points out that Yoda and other small guys are able to work in games, so he doesn’t buy the developers excuses.

The Jackass crew from MTV was scheduled to get involved in Summerslam, but the Benoit murders changed plans. Swoggle was booked to box Wee Man but then it was canceled.

Some of the Jackass guys no sold Umaga’s moves during a TV segment, so he stiffed the hell out of them.

NASCAR is the most heavily drug tested “sports” league. WWE took their drug policies from them.

Swoggle was ok with the drug testing because the serious side effects of pumping your body full of that stuff is horrible for you.

Bruce Prichard came up and asked for Swoggle’s cell phone. After he gave it up, Bruce revealed he was going to be McMahon’s illegitimate son. He then kept Swoggle’s phone. Swoggle was taken to ringside at 4:30 in the afternoon and spent the next 5 and a half hours under the ring.

Hornswoggle regrets not asking Vince more questions about the business when they spent so much time together for vignettes and such.

McMahon loved to shit on Jonathan Coachman for fun.

Teddy Long was naturally a crazy old man. He loved to have fun.

Vickie Guerrero was a sweetheart backstage. She was great at her job, as her massive heat can attest to.

Swoggle wanted to work more than he did during his storyline with Vince. Working matches is fun.

The fans online gave Hornswoggle all kinds of hell for killing the cruiserweight division, and Swoggle gets pretty snarky at them here in response.

Drew McIntyre suffered for years with on and off pushes. At one point Vince even declared him “our guy”. Vince eventually soured on his accent and depushed him.

The WWE guys made it a point to get to a bar to see Brock Lesnar fight after he went to the UFC.

Swoggle thinks UFC is now doing storylines and suggests things are becoming more and more of a work.

DX began a storyline with Swoggle wanting to join them. Getting to work on top and getting a piece of merchandising was good for his bottom line.

Khali’s overhead chop was perhaps the stiffest shot anyone of the roster regularly used. Khali didn’t know his own strength.

CM Punk and Swoggle were best friends until Hornswoggle asked Punk for one of their mutual friends phone numbers. Punk saw this as Swoggle trying to use him and they had a falling out.

The Nasty Boys got a tryout against Dave Taylor and Drew McIntyre. They took too long getting to the ring and then worked stiff. Knobbs was a prick backstage, and Taylor was super hot because McIntyre got roughed up.

Sunny was backstage at RAW and told Swoggle how much she loved his work. They exchanged phone numbers, which was a thrill for Swoggle who loved her in her prime.

At that same RAW, Hulk Hogan had an in ring segment with Swoggle. Hornswoggle wanted to rip their shirts off and pose, but Hogan was looking old and refused.

They close with Hornswoggle watching old wrestling and screwing up all the guy’s names from the 80’s.   He knows nothing unless it’s from 1991 and up apparently.

Final thoughts: This had some fun stories about a young man living out his dreams, so if your looking for bitterness and dirt, you’ll have to search elsewhere. I’d wish they covered the Benoit stuff a lot more thoroughly, as that was the STORY of the year.

Written by Andrew Lutzke

The grumpy old man of culturecrossfire.com, lover of wrasslin' and true crimes.

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