The Impact Report: Hardcore War (5-15-15)

Impact Wrestling
May 15th, 2015 (Taped May 8th and May 9th, 2015)
From The Impact Zone in Orlando, Florida
Announcers: Josh Matthews & Mike Tenay

Show opens with Kurt Angle & Chris “Sarge” Melendez walking to the ring. Angle thanks Sarge for helping him last week and lets him know that he’ll be one of his partners tonight for Hardcore War. Angle says Sarge is a true hero! Angle fought for the U.S. in the Olympics but Sarge gave up part of his body for the good ol’ US of A! Angle intros The Rising. Drew thanks Angle but says the time will come when he challenges Angle for the World Title and Drew Galloway will beat him. Angle tells him to bring it. This love fest is interrupted by EY, who stomps out and talks about unfair it is that he keeps getting screwed. Angle says he’ll give EY  a rematch and it’ll be an I Quit match.  But tonight is about the ten man  Hardcore War. The Beatdown Clan run out of the crowd to jump the babyfaces. Lashley returns and runs out to take out the heels. Angle says Lashley is the fifth member of Team Angle tonight!

Jade & Marti (with Taryn Terrell) Vs Rebel & Brooke
The Dollhouse enters to Hole’s “Doll Parts”. I guess Billy Corgan and Courtney Love have buried the hatchet. It’s great that they’re using legit music though. Josh Matthews and Mike Tenay (who is our guest color commentator this week) mention The Menagerie in past tense. I guess an undercard stable with an overly elaborate entrance is one of the first things to get slashed when you’re going through major budget cuts. Speaking of colorful, Brooke is wearing tights that seem vaguely inspired by Lisa Frank. This is a nice extended squash that establishes Jade & Marti as threats in their own right rather than just being lackies to Taryn. They win with a double chokeslam on Brooke (who the announcers make sure to put over as the most experienced worker in the match). 

Taryn Terrell cuts a promo on Gail Kim and says she’s gonna hang out with her stepdaughters and then bang her husband Robert Irvine.

Backstage, EY talks to the BDC. Homicide is still out injured but EY has the perfect plan B. Kenny King does not seem so sure.

EC3 and Tyrus come out. Josh Matthews is suddenly pro EC3 for some reason. EC3 thinks the Top 5 is BULLCRAP! He beat Anderson in his own match last week and still couldn’t get to #1. He’s calling Obama! Anderson interrupts. He wants another shot at EC3 but he’s not afraid to go through Tyrus to get there. He challenges Tyrus to a match. If he wins, he gets a shot at EC3. EC3 says it’s not gonna happen but Anderson calls Tyrus a bitch an excessive amount of times and Tyrus wants to fight.

Mr. Anderson Vs Tyrus (with EC3)
Announcers bring up the fact that Tyrus was a bodyguard for Snoop Dogg like they do during every Tyrus match. Tenay mentions Snoop Dogg’s son Cordell Brodus who will play for the UCLA Bruins football team next fall. Josh tells him not to mention the name “Brodus” around Tyrus. Yukyukyuk. EC3 gets tossed from ringside and Matthews talks about how unfair it is a man’s not allowed to watch a match that might determine his future. Anderson wins with the Mic Check on Tyrus. C+ 

We get an extended plug for BBQ Pitmasters on Destination America, complete with a faux summer cookout setting. And as someone who watches almost as much food related shows as I do pro wrestling shows, I can tell you that a outdoor grill has about as much to do with a barbecue pit as a pizza oven does.

Magnus comes out in his ring gear to cut a promo on James Storm. He doesn’t regret smashing a guitar over Storm’s head! He’d do it over again a thousand times. Magnus challenges Storm to come out and face him like a man. Abyss enters. He’s pissed Magnus attacked his leader and he wants revenge. Magnus & Abyss brawl around ringside. They use the cheap BBQ Pitmasters props, which allows Josh & Mike to do some more dumb plugs. Guess the hot dog & hamburger buffet is closed tonight. Ha ha ha! Manik runs in but is quickly brushed aside by Magnus. Khoya runs in with his giant walking stick and beats Magnus with it. Revolution beats down Magnus.

We get a solid video package explaining the chaos in the TNA tag team division in the past two months. The Wolves want their titles back and want to restore honor in the tag team division but first, they’ll have to get through the Dirty Heels in a Best of 5 series.

Match 1 of a Best of 5 Series for the TNA World Tag Team Titles: The Wolves Vs The Dirty Heels
Tenay gives us some TNA history here, talking about Roode’s record breaking TNA World Title run and Aries record breaking TNA X Division Title run. He also mentions the fact that Roode has experience in Best of 5 series, having competed in one with James Storm against the Motor City Machine Guns back in 2008. This match is as good as it sounds on paper and I’m looking forward to seeing what these four will do in future matches. I like the story here of Aries & Roode being the superior wrestlers but The Wolves being the superior tag team and am intrigued to see which side win. Wolves win Match 1 when Davey pins Bobby Roode with a sunset flip.

Drew Galloway gives a pep talk to Mica and Eli Drake. Unfortunately, Kurt Angle’s only offered The Rising two slots on the team so one of them will have to sit out. Drew picks Mica for the team and Eli sulks for a bit before wishing them good luck.

Back in the Dollhouse, Taryn Terrell talks about how she’s gonna be Gail Kim’s stepkids’ new stepmom. She has something special she’s gonna wear for Robert Irvine but she’s gonna wait till she gets to the ring to show it.

James Storm yells at Manik, Khoya, and Abyss for butting into his personal business. He didn’t ask them for help and he doesn’t need it!

The Dollhouse comes out. Taryn shows some pictures of her hanging out with Gail’s confused looking stepdaughters. Taryn then strips to lingerie to show off what she’s gonna wear when she spends the night with Robert Irvine. As a lover of terrible celebrity cameos in pro wrestling, I’m kind of hoping Robert Irvine will show up in the Impact Zone at some point and deliver an Asskicking: Impossible. Speaking of asskickings, Gail Kim storms out and chides the Dollhouse for making this personal. Gail Kim clears house.

We go back to a few weeks ago to see The BroMans EXPLODING. (sadface)

Jesse Godderz Vs Robbie E
Robbie E’s supposed to be a face now because his hair isn’t spiked anymore. He’s also back to using his singles music. The BroMans are pretending this is an amicable breakup at first as they fist bump to start the match. He catches a quick pin with a crucifix pin. Jesse huffs and puffs and says he wasn’t ready and he wants to restart the match. Robbie E, being the good friend that he is, agrees to start the match again and pins Jesse with a crucifix  in a few seconds again. Jesse grabs the mic and says his trunks weren’t tightened. He isn’t even tied the string. He wants one more shot to win the match. Robbie E agrees. They fight for a little over a minute with the crowd counting how many seconds the match is going.  Robbie E wins for the third time with the same cradle. Jesse goes ballistic and beats Robbie E over the head with the microphone. He then press slams out the ring, wraps a chair around Robbie’s neck and slams him into the post. Gotta give the match an INC but I thought this was a really good segment and nice setup for an undercard feud. Robbie E is the more experienced and savvy member of the group which is why he was able to outsmart Jesse but Jesse has a brute strength and hair trigger temper waiting to be unleashed.

Team Angle pumps each other up while Team EY meets their fifth member who we don’t see because Low Ki growls out at the camera man to get out of there.

Mr. Anderson is in a foundry for some reason. Good. We need more wrestling promos that take place in foundries.  He says one of his welder buddies is creating a structure they’ll make sure that Tyrus can’t interfere in his rematch with EC3.

Hardcore War: Team EY (Eric Young, Bram, and The Beatdown Clan) Vs Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Chris Melendez, and The Rising) 
Order of Entrants; 1. Low Ki 2. Drew Galloway 3. Kenny King 4. Mica 5. EY 6. Kurt Angle 7. Low Ki 8. Chris Melendez 9. Bram 10. Lashley

Nothing new here but a fun plunder brawl nonetheless. The BDC and The Rising have good chemistry together and I’m interested in seeing what they could do in a 15-20 minute match someday. It’s great to have Lashley and Bram back. I know Billy Corgan has repeatedly put over him as one of the guys to watch in TNA and I agree 100%. He definitely has that intangible “it” factor. Match culminates with almost everyone brawling outside the ring and Angle diving off the top turnbuckle onto everybody. Stuppit Angle! Yer old! This leaves EY and Sarge Melendez in the ring. EY finishes off Melendez with the piledriver. After the match, EY yanks off Melendez’s prosthetic leg. Angle runs in to try and get him to drop it. This backfires and EY beats Angle with Melendez’s leg and chokes him with it using a crossface. Finish was cheap heat but sometimes cheap heat is good heat. I don’t think anybody, outside of Dixie and Angle & EY themselves, are that excited for Angle-EY Round 2 but this finish did as good of a job as possible to build it.

Final Grade: I was really hoping the live episode would settle some feuds and start the build to Slammiversary next month but that’s obviously not the case. I’m guessing the blowoffs to EC3/Anderson and Angle/EY will take place after Impact Wrestling returns from its one week hiatus. That being said, this show did a really good job of building up to that final blowoff in a few weeks. Plus we got a great Match 1 in the Wolves/Dirty Heels series. There were some less than stellar moments but overall another very stellar show. B+ 

Next Week… A Re-airing of Slammiversary 2014. Since TNA’s taking the week off so will I. Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day Weekend. I’ll see you in two weeks! 


Written by Connor McGrath

Connor McGrath is a public access television show host and part-time amateur comedian, who resides in Portland, Maine. He contributes reviews of Northeast independent wrestling promotion, NWA On Fire along with occasional guest articles.

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