WWE Superstars – 5/23/2013

WWE Superstars – 5/23/2013


As we kick off this week, Tons of Funk and the Funkadactyls make their way to the ring.

The Usos are out next, as Tons of Funk applaud and we are told it is 8-person tag action.  The Bellas are out next and they point out the odd pairing of the Bellas teaming with the Usos.


Tons of Funk (Brodus Clay & Tensai) & The Funkadactyls (Cameron & Naomi) vs. The Usos (Jimmy Uso & Jey Uso) & The Bella Twins (Nikki Bella & Brie Bella)

As the match starts, Brodus and Jey Uso have a quick dance contest.  We hear how everyone in the match is fun-loving but the Bellas, but they are hot, so enjoy WWE Universe.

As the men have a friendly square-off, one of the Bellas slaps Uso on the back making the tag.  We get no help from the announcers who admit they cannot tell the twins apart.  Wonderful.  Bella mocks Brodus until Naomi rushes the ring and punishes her.  As the Bella tags in an Uso, we hear Naomi makes the most of her backside… Nice.

Jimmy flirts with Naomi, who hits him with a hurricanrana.  Jimmy looks sad as we take our first break.

Coming back in action, Sweet T is in working over Jimmy. As Tensai stalks Uso into the ropes, Jimmy kicks his legs down, putting Tensai in position for a 619 if Mysterio was in the match.  Instead, as the ref backs Jimmy away, the Bellas rush both sides and smash his head with their butts.  Tensai climbs up with a big smile and starts pleading the twins to give him one more.  The Bellas are disgusted, Uso tries to come in, gets swatted away and Tensai continues to ask the Bellas to do it again.  This may be the top WWE moment of the year.

A disappointed Sweet T gets a superkick from Jimmy Uso, who is acting like a heel as he stares at Naomi.  I’ve felt the Usos have been one of the more underutilized teams, so let’s play with them being creepy on a show no one is watching.

Jey Uso comes in as the fans chant “Let’s Go Sweet T”.  Uso throws some nice kicks but Jey makes the mistake of trying to tie up Tensai.  Jimmy comes back in splashing and staring over at Naomi.  I am not even seeing the Bellas on the apron, but can hear them shouting, so they must be down on the floor watching.

As they play up an awkward tension between Jimmy and Naomi to the max, Jimmy hits a nice Samoan drop on Tensai.  He goes up top but the Naomi distraction causes him to miss a high-risk maneuver.

Brodus gets the hot tag and goes to town with clotheslines before a t-bone, a dinosaur walk and a corner splash.  Brodus slams Jimmy to the mat, which the announcers still can’t seem to figure out calling him “The Uso”, as Jey breaks the pin.

Brodus breaks free, disposes of Jey and hits another big move on Jimmy for the win.

Winners: Tons of Funk & The Funkadactyls

Last week’s opening match saw second generation Michael McGillicutty lose to midcarder Sin Cara, only to show up on RAW as Curt Axel and go toe-to-toe with Triple H after becoming Paul Heyman’s new protégé.

This week, second generation stars The Usos, lost.  Expect them to be renamed after other famous Samoan wrestlers after becoming someone’s protégé and be the first team to beat The Shield, this Monday on RAW.

Striker talks about the four in the ring loving fun but Paul Heyman doesn’t and we can see what he did Monday next!

After the break, we have to listen to Matt Striker and Tony Dawson tell us about Ryback.  Our first recap segment of the week, about 6:30 of stuff we’ve seen already.

After the Ryback stuff, we hear about the theme song from Extreme Rules before jumping into a Shield-themed recap from RAW for another almost nine minutes.

After all these repeats SAY IT TO MY FACE!  YES!  A-RY TIME AGAIN!

Tony Dawson is talking about the boundless enthusiasm of this former linebacker and Matt Striker say the experts blame Riley’s lack of success on his kind heart… This announce team…

Riley will face the other half of the Rhodes Scholars this week, as Damien Sandow comes out on the mic. Damien is going to show us how to deal with incompetence.  Not fair, Not A-Ry.

Alex Riley vs. Damien Sandow

Matt Striker is talking about rights and liberties and French Revolutions when he should be talking about saying it to A-Ry’s face.

While Sandow ties up A-Ry early, Riley gets Sandow is a precarious position.  Sandow cheats his way free and uses some kicks to take Riley down and eventually into the ropes.  After delivering some knees, Damien only achieves a one count and continues to work over Riley to the disdain of the crowd.

The Elbow of Disdain connects but after a kickout, Sandow ties up Riley.  I am distracted because the announcers talk of Sandow’s Intellectual Savior of the Masses nickname as Striker says he is the Intellectual Shaver, which is both confusing and creepy.

Riley starts to heat up with the crowd and breaks free.  Sandow sends him to the ropes but Riley knocks down Sandow and fights his retaliation with a pretty hip toss.

A-Ry is fired up and decides to go up top, where Sandow dodges it.  As Sandow goes to take advantage, A-Ry hits him with a nice spinebuster for a two count.  Riley sets him up for his finisher but it is reversed.  Much like last week, it doesn’t take much long for Sandow to go straight into The Silencer for the win.

Winner: Damien Sandow

Sandow does a cartwheel , which cheers me up slightly from the sad day of another Riley loss.

Before I know what is happening, kids are telling me about where they get bullied before Diddy tells me to stop cyber bullying, or help someone. If someone is cyber bullying you, please comment to this article so I can try to help you.  Be A Star.

Back from commercial and OH BOY MORE RECAPS.

Nothing was off-limits at Extreme Rules blah blah blah Lesnar HHH.  Four more minutes of abbreviated Curtis Axel stuff.  As I fast-forward, the sad HHH ending actually ends this show.

I don’t have anything else to say. Gentlemen, good night.  Ladies, good morning.


WWE Superstars Win/ Loss Totals (beginning May 16, 2013)

Cameron                                                             1-0

Brodus Clay                                                        1-0

Naomi                                                                   1-0

Cody Rhodes                                                     1-0

Sin Cara                                                                1-0

Tensai                                                                   1-0

Brie Bella                                                             0-1

Nikki Bella                                                           0-1

Michael McGillicutty                                       0-1

Jey Uso                                                                0-1

Jimmy Uso                                                          0-1

Alex Riley                                                            0-2



Written by B. Patrick

Currently residing in Phoenix, Arizona, B. Patrick's interests include comedy, basketball, wrestling, comic books and can change as quickly as a butterfly flaps its wings.

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