WWE Superstars – June 6, 2013

WWE Superstars – 6/6/2013


Welcome to another edition of WWE Superstars featuring some brief matches of WWE midcard talents, outweighed by replaying HHH and Cena segments from RAW.

Somebody Call My Momma hits and Tons of Funk with the Funkadactyls dance their way out to open the show.

We hear the whitest man alive, Tony Dawson, tell us Funk is on a roll as he and Matt Striker start plugging WWE Payback.  Matt Striker admits his favorite part is when Brodus and Sweet T rip their pants off.

Primo and Epico make their way out with no Rosa.  Not sure when we saw Epico last but his hair seems much longer than the last time I saw him.  Then Matt Striker calls them The Conquistadors.  Primo es Uno.

Tons of Funk vs. Primo & Epico

Brodus and Primo start the match.  Clay slaps his butt to get the crowd going and Matt mentions that Tons of Funk have been working on a new team move called the Boom-Shak-a-Laka that they intend to debut tonight.

Primo jumps straight onto Clay and tries to apply a sleeper but Brodus backs him into the corner and squashes him.  He scoops the Son of Colon for a slam and holds him in the air before dropping him.  Primo bounces up and kicks Brodus between the legs.

At this time, Striker cannot tell Primo and Epico apart.  Okay, I get irritated but try to dismiss it with twins like the Usos getting confused but it is too bizarre to not be able to tell Primo and Epico apart if you work for the company.

Tons of Funk works over Primo and make a tag to have Tensai locking up Primo.  Primo cartwheels around to try to break free from a wristlock and eventually works his way up on Sweet T in the corner.

Tensai outpowers Prio and flips him.  A quick kick to the gut and he holds Primo upside down after with a double underhook.  As Primo stays put, he screams and Cameron and Naomi get the crowd going.  After a while, Primo is finally slammed down, only to scoot out of the ring and be nursed by his cousin, Epico as we enter a commercial.

Back from break, Tons of Funk double team Epico.  Striker tries to be funny calling Dawson Brick Tamland.  Epico gets a couple punches in but gets pummeled by the legal man Clay.  Epico is able to get back to his corner and the cousins take advantage of the Funkasaurus.

The former tag champs utilize some quick tags and have Brodus grounded.  As Epico ties up Brodus, the crowd tries to get Clay back into it while Striker makes some creepy comments toward Cameron and Naomi.

Some double teams before Primo goes for the high risk maneuver, which costs them as Clay moves and gives the hot tag to Sweet T, who dismantles the Puerto Rican duo.

A fired up Tensai delivers chops, tosses and does his shovel dance move before doing a cannonball somersault into Epico in the corner, which was pretty impressive.

Primo breaks the tag but Clay gets rid of him.  Tons of Funk picks Epico up for a double team but it looks like Clay lets his end of the move slip and Primo drops awkwardly.  Striker questions if it is the Boom-Shak-A-Laka but Dawson says it is rather a second new move called Bad Intentions.

Tons of Funk easily get the three count.

Winners: Tons of Funk

As the foursome dance in the ring, Striker mentions that they could be aiming for The Shield’s tag team gold and we find out we will be seeing all kinds of Ryback and Triple H recaps when we get back from commercial.

As we get back from commercial, the commentary team talk about Stephanie’s RAW emotion on Monday night.  Bleh.  Another long recap of what was seen.  Up next will be the 6-man tag recap.

Most of Monday’s six-man is shown in this segment block, as we’ve officially crossed the halfway point in the show and half of that has been recap with the promise of more.

A Wrestlemania DVD plug happens again.  We were already told in a DID YOU KNOW? that it is currently the Number 1 selling Sports DVD and WWE discs make up seven of the Top 10.

We are told Divas action is next as Natalya’s theme song blasts over the speakers.  Natalya is out slapping hands with the fans and leaning into the crowd before entering the ring.

Tamina Snuka makes her way out next.

Natalya vs. Tamina Snuka

As Tamina walks out, they call her The Rock’s cousin and we hear about the car he apparently bought her.  In something that makes zero sense, Matt Striker is angry, asking why should she have a nicer car than he does.

Tamina takes early control, with a wristlock on Natalya, before some flips and a creative counter to Natalya, who immediately sees an opportunity to try the Sharpshooter.

Tamina gets out of the ring and mauls Natalya after she coaxes her out, smashing her into the ring.  Snuka rolls Neidhart in the ring and knocks her around before applying a sleeper.  Natalya struggles to fight her way out but eventually start throwing some elbows.  Tamina has enough and tosses a weakened Natalya to the ground.

Natalya gets Irish whipped into the corner.  As she falls down, Tamina runs and does a reverse smash into the corner.  She drags Natalya out for a failed pin attempt.

We are told some of the tension in this match is that Tamina is not on Total Divas, coming to E! in July.  Natalya’s presence on the show is apparently drawing the ire of the daughter of the Superfly.

Tamina lets Natalya go but misses a splash.  Natalya gets a couple quick hits in but Tamina downs her again for a two count.

Natalya starts getting advantage back as Striker makes jokes about Dawson talking like Wade Barrett and referencing retired title belts.

Tamina regains control and gets frustrated not getting a pin.  She tries to pick up Natalya for a Samoan drop who rolls out and is able to get the Sharpshooter for a submission victory.

Winner: Natalya

Tamina had gotten woozy toward the end of the match.  I wasn’t clear where the damage was done but I had read some thought she may have gotten a concussion during the taping of this match.  I made have missed it while face-palming some of Striker’s commentary.

Natalya celebrates in the ring before we hit another commercial break.

Back from break, the final eight minutes are spent covering Cena-Ryback, featuring Monday’s events during the main event.

I’m getting used to the majority of this show being filler.  I used to be okay when they were on TV and had a segment and then a bunch of matches with the lower card talent (or at least from what I remember).  There were some solid matches tonight but definitely the most quiet, least-intriguing episode in the past month of Superstars.


WWE Superstars Win/ Loss Totals (beginning May 16, 2013)

Brodus Clay                                                        2-0

Sin Cara                                                                2-0

Tensai                                                                   2-0

Cameron                                                             1-0

Justin Gabriel                                                     1-0

Naomi                                                                   1-0

Natalya                                                                 1-0

R-Truth                                                                 1-0

Cody Rhodes                                                     1-0

Brie Bella                                                             0-1

Nikki Bella                                                           0-1

Antonio Cesaro                                                 0-1

Epico                                                                     0-1

Michael McGillicutty                                       0-1

Titus O’Neil                                                         0-1

Primo                                                                    0-1

Tamina Snuka                                                    0-1

Jey Uso                                                                 0-1

Jimmy Uso                                                          0-1

Darren Young                                                    0-1

Alex Riley                                                            0-2



Written by B. Patrick

Currently residing in Phoenix, Arizona, B. Patrick's interests include comedy, basketball, wrestling, comic books and can change as quickly as a butterfly flaps its wings.

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