909 Watches TV: Peaky Blinders

[909]

Also, why does my internal soundtrack have you pronouncing "capeshit" with a hard R?

Well if that was the case I wouldn't watch the episodes as soon as the whole season is uploaded, would I?

Could I trouble you to please explain this to me, like I'm five years old? Nothing in that sentence makes sense to me... "lowest quality good show" sounds like an oxymoron, and a "good show" scoring a 3 or 4 on a scale of 10 doesn't make sense at all: wouldn't a 3 or 4 be below average?

Ok so here's how I see it. I don't have any time in my life to watch shows that are less than almost universally praised as being good television shows. I don't want to give the same rating to every single thing, my ratings are like a guide for everyone to decide if it's a good show worth watching. So I made a scale of my own for this project.

1-2: Why does anyone consider this a good show? This shit's awful. This rating can only be applied to shows that I quit watching.
3: Man, I don't know how I'm going to finish this. There were a lot of episodes left and this isn't that good.
4: I see why people said this is a good show, and I like it, but it isn't doing that much for me.
5: Alright, I'm feeling this, but they aren't breaking the mold here.
6: I'm more than feeling this, but same thing. It's a standard, good television show.
7: I start feeling like maybe I should have watched this long before now, and that I probably should have watched it every week.
8: Top of the genre. Like, for example, Moon Knight. Imo anyway.
9: The last two things both apply, and I start feeling like this is one of the best things I've watched.
10: Sopranos or The Wire level show. THE TOP.

 

[Mr. S£im Citrus]

Well if that was the case I wouldn't watch the episodes as soon as the whole season is uploaded, would I?

I don't know, why would you refer to anything you like as "shit"? Like, I've heard the term "capeshit" used in reference to comic book movies/shows before, but never by anyone who actually liked them.

Ok so here's how I see it. I don't have any time in my life to watch shows that are less than almost universally praised as being good television shows. I don't want to give the same rating to every single thing, my ratings are like a guide for everyone to decide if it's a good show worth watching. So I made a scale of my own for this project.

Okay, I think I get it, and thanks for the response. I don't think I would find that criteria to be very useful as a method of curating which shows I watched, as that would likely limit my consumption of TV to a show a year, maybe less: there aren't enough genres that I like for me to make my selection process that restrictive.

 

[909]

I don't know, why would you refer to anything you like as "shit"? Like, I've heard the term "capeshit" used in reference to comic book movies/shows before, but never by anyone who actually liked them.

I dunno, people make those kinds of self-deprecating jokes about wrestling all the time.

 

[Mr. S£im Citrus]

I dunno, people make those kinds of self-deprecating jokes about wrestling all the time.

Touché. I suppose that my rebuttal to that would be that comic book movies/shows are a lot more "mainstream" than wrasslin' is in 2022, so it would seem to me that there'd be a whole lot fewer people who felt the kneejerk compulsion to defend their love of CBM on some, "I know this shit is ridiculous, but..."

 

[909]

SACRIFICE

This is another one of those episodes that doubles as a history/culture lesson. After Lagertha's miscarriage, it is/was time to head to a temple to observe what seems like a pilgrimage to Nordic gods. I have no idea if the history lesson here is accurate but I assume it is to great extent. I know that archaeologists believe sacrifice is part of Nordic culture. They've unearthed remains of children they believed were sacrificed. Anyways, yeah, a sacrifice. While at the temple, Ragnar meets with their King (Donal Logue) and is both accepted and tasked with a new job, serving as an emissary for the king to a Jarl who apparently refuses to let go of land that may or may not belong to him. Meanwhile there's the actual ceremonies themselves. Sacrifices must be made. Ragnar had the intention of sacrificing Athelstan because it's an honor, but he hasn't renounced his prior religion and the priests bust him. So instead, Leif is sacrificed and everyone leaves happy even though said sacrifices are very serious. It is what they were supposed to do.

ALL CHANGE

When a season of television is far more successful than anyone could have anticipated, the endings to seasons sometimes come off as packing too much shit in and this is one of those kinds of episodes. We dive through multiple storylines way too quickly. First is the emissary gig. It goes alright, a proposal is made and Rollo stays behind in good faith. While staying behind with this Jarl, Rollo makes the decision to fight alongside this guy when Ragnar returns with no counter proposal. This isn't out of nowhere or anything, we've seen lots of reasons Rollo should try to make his own way and this bit of convincing was a last straw. I don't know where to go next from here, but back at home, Ragnar and Lagertha's daughter DIES OF PLAGUE and Siggy's daughter eats it as well. That's one way to get rid of characters that probably don't fit into the evolution of the story. Fuckin MEANWHILE the biggest thing happens and Ragnar starts sleeping with this chick named Aslaug WHILE HIS SON IS IN THE ROOM. I was like "goddamn wut" and then I remembered this is a history show about a dead culture. But anyways you know how he wanted a son, while Aslaug can get pregnant and Lagertha apparently couldn't and this one time was a fluke, but the season ends and next season will provide resolution to this story.

Anyways this show gives me what I wanted. A show where people have swords and kill each other with them

 

[cobainwasmurdered]

we've been jokingly referring to it as capeshit for like 10 years lol.

 

[muzzington]

Vikings is a show I liked but didn't continue with for whatever reason so this has me wanting to get back to it.

 

[909]

BROTHER'S WAR

I did watch the following episode, but I was thinking as this one concluded that there was really nowhere left for the story to go without time jumping. So what happened was that Rollo fought Ragnar and gave up mid fight, he was killing a lot of people but didn't want to kill his brother. You know maybe he shoulda thought about that? So they go back and Ragnar has to bribe the lawmaker guy to keep Rollo from getting his head chopped off, but that basically makes Rollo a loser. You think he's gonna be able to do anything with his life? That's not all that happens when they go back. Aslaug shows up and she's pregnant, Ragnar presents the idea of the two wives thing, but they can't stand each other and Lagertha is gonna go. Bjorn goes too and now Ragnar doesn't have any kids...and I thought this was funny.

INVASION

As already said, the story hit the point it needed to hit and now it's time to move forward four years. They told the story of Bjorn's childhood and basically I don't see the point of going further now that he's not supposed to be there until they reunite as adults (apparently). Four years on, Ragnar has a bunch of kids. Two sons with another coming, but his relationship with Aslaug sucks. They don't like each other much but this seems to largely be Aslaug's fault as she's quite prickly and judgmental towards others. Rollo is accepted back by Ragnar and allowed to be his family member again but he isn't allowed to raid (yet). On the subject of raids Jarl Borg and King Horik are there to go raid England. Except Horik doesn't want Borg there and Borg doesn't yet get killed so this storyline is staying open even after Borg is kicked off the ship. The Vikings then land in Wessex (the wrong place), one of Horik's sons is killed by the 'Wessexites' (idk what to call them). We learn that Athelstan can fight now, and that the land is ruled by King Ecbert (Linus Roache) who is said to be similar to Ragnar.

And there's tons of blood and fighting in these two episodes. Hooray!

 

[The Thread Killer]

Vikings is a show I liked but didn't continue with for whatever reason so this has me wanting to get back to it.

I liked it so much I ended up binge watching all 6 seasons. And then I binge watched Vikings: Valhalla when it came out. And then I went through withdrawal, so I googled “shows similar to Vikings” and I found out about The Last Kingdom on Netflix and binged all 5 seasons of that. And then I found out The Tudors was created, written and produced by the guy who created Vikings so now I’m watching that. And then I found out that new Epix show Billy The Kid is created, written and produced by the same guy, so I started watching that…but in this case unfortunately it isn’t very good.

 

[Kahran Ramsus]

'Wessexites' (idk what to call them).

West Saxons

 

[909]

TREACHERY

After what I said about Jarl Borg, I dig this. No waiting around for something to happen, I guess just make it happen right now. He invades and is able to subjugate Ragnar's former lands, killing almost everyone in his wake. Conveniently in this episode we're introduced to Lagertha and Bjorn's current circumstances. Lagertha remarried to a piece of shit, her life sucks. Aslaug also gives birth, but again, they're driven off their land even though Rollo tries his best to prevent it. This is a very good episode with a lot of action.

EYE FOR AN EYE

While it was Ragnar's intention to stay in Wessex and get Ecbert to give them land, it doesn't work out that way because of what happened. Ragnar comes back home but loses men on the way, and there's no way for him to retake his home. Meanwhile Athelstan gets captured and crucified lmao. So yeah, good luck with all that. Even though Ecbert saves him, what happens to the holes in your hands? Anyway, luckily for Ragnar, Lagertha and Bjorn show up and they've brought lots of soldiers with them.

 

[909]

ANSWERS IN BLOOD

This went pretty much exactly as expected. Ragnar and Bjorn head into Kattegat to burn down the food stores, they lure Jarl Borg into a field, and then they fight. Borg gets beaten backwards and has to go home. The parts here that are interesting are Bjorn being forced to sacrifice a prisoner (not something his mom wanted it seems) and Athelstan forced into being King Ecbert's adviser. Bjorn stays with Ragnar this time and Lagertha returns to her husband. If you like sword fighting, that's what the show is all about at this point. Almost everything of consequence happens due to said fighting. It's not like Game of Thrones where the real meat of the show is politicking.

UNFORGIVEN

Now this felt like bad writing in that nobody would possibly fall for this. Jarl Borg gets invited back to raid with Horik and Ragnar because they no longer have enough men to raid. Fuckin instead of raiding, this time Ragnar is going to get revenge and he doesn't care what Horik or anyone else thinks. Lagertha's husband gets killed by his own nephew which would seem to facilitate her return to Kattegat as well. I say this is bad writing because if you're going to send everyone to Kattegat...why have them leave?

 

[909]

BLOOD EAGLE

This one ended super gross, but again, bad writing because Lagertha does come back, even though this time it's as an Earl with troops. She wants to raid Wessex and that's going to happen, but first, the Jarl Borg problem. Horik gives Borg false hope, even though it's not intended as false hope, but he should have been able to read the room and see that Ragnar was going to kill him no matter what. And that's what he does, using the BLOOD EAGLE RITUAL. Look into it or watch the show if you want to see what that is. Meanwhile over in England the Northumbrian and Wessex king are going to make an alliance.

BONELESS

Right here we drive home the point that sometimes these episodes play out over very long periods of time. Aslaug went from just pregnant to birthing another child, this one has deformed legs and in Viking culture I guess they're supposed to throw the child away. I don't think it's just Viking culture where they did that. This is a much better episode than the last. We are introduced to yet another English leader. She is Princess Kwenthrith of Mercia and she fucks like five guys before the episode is over. She seems awesome. There's also now a rift between Ragnar, Horik, and Lagertha. Ragnar is acting like he's the King when he isn't, and he's doing things by himself that the others don't agree with. The episode also seems to end with something Horik came up with...by himself. Maybe I'm wrong though. I don't get the storyline with Floki and Horik though.

 

[909]

THE CHOICE

I feel like if any of the vikings actually realizes that Athelstan told Ecbert how to beat them, this dude is gonna be iced almost immediately after they find that out. Rollo is nearly killed and winds up captured, then a peace deal is made where Rollo is swapped in exchange for vikings who will go fight for Kwenthrith. Maybe they'll bang her too. Surprisingly Athelstan decides to go back to Kattegat even though he's now obviously keeping secret how influential he was to Ecbert. And Horik is trying to hatch a plan to kill Ragnar that will obviously not work because lead characters don't get killed in two seasons of a show.

THE LORD'S PRAYER

The title is because at the end of the episode Ragnar asks to learn said prayer. But basically this is an episode where he and all his friends slaughter King Horik and all his children save one. Bet this dude will come back to get revenge at some point. Anyways there's a ton of killing and blood here and it's funny Horik thought Floki would help him kill his friend.

SEASON 3

MERCENARY

I neglected to mention that Bjorn's girlfriend was set free and is no longer a slave, and now it seems like she's pregnant but she wants to come on a raid anyway. This makes Bjorn upset until he finds out she's pregnant. The raid this time winds up being to kill the opposing forces in Mercia, and others go with Lagertha to start a settlement with lands that Ecbert granted them. Back in their homelands it appears Lagertha may finally be replaced and no longer be an Earl, but we'll have to wait and see. It also seems like Aslaug and Ragnar now do not get along at all.


It seems the second season plague of falsely sending a character to a location only for them to immediately return may be gone.

 

[909]

THE WANDERER

When the princess started stabbing her dead uncle's head I realized that as far as gross scenes go we probably haven't seen anything yet, and well there's a scene in the following episode that confirms what I thought. I had no idea where the Kattegat stuff was going with them talking about and dreaming of a guy. Torstein losing his arm on the other hand was very predictable, you can't just pull part of an arrow out of there and leave the rest in. Ecbert gonna bang Lagertha too lol.

WARRIOR'S FATE

Wonder how much more Ecbert is gonna bang Lagertha after that sacrifice. Probably fucking not. The sacrifice was a great scene though, and if accurate (I have no idea) I would say it was a good inclusion of history within the show. Ragnar getting berated for these fights and going to take it out on his son was an interesting twist. And yes I'm not saying Bjorn's girlfriend/wife's name because I don't know how to put that key in on my keyboard. Athelstan needs to bang Judith and just get it over with though. Wherever the story goes after that, it's time to hurry up and get on with it. I feel like that would be a catalyst for some shit to happen.

 

[909]

SCARRED

At this point Floki is starting to complain so much about Christians that you know he's going to do something bad, although I wasn't sure exactly what he'd do until the episode following this one. I think it's funny how Kwenthrith is obviously sexually interested in Ragnar even though he's not going to do anything with her. She can pee on his wound though. Anyways, King Horik's lone living son comes back (although it seems pointless), and Siggy straight up dies trying to save Ragnar's children when they fell through ice. Did not see that coming tbh but her character outlived her usefulness. Lastly I laughed very hard at Kwenthrith poisoning her brother. But the ramifications of all this should be interesting.

THE USURPER

Everyone comes back to Kattegat and they learn that Lagertha lost her land, but unsurprisingly Ragnar doesn't care all that much and isn't going to help her take it back. Instead he plays the smart move and tries to get Kalf to raid with them. It worked and they're going to Paris. The settlers in Wessex also get massacred and Ecbert doesn't care, Ragnar probably won't either because he wants to go to Paris, etc. Floki is getting weirder and for once we have episodes with less fighting and more talking.

BORN AGAIN

I forgot to mention that scarred was a reference to Þórunn's face. She gives birth to a daughter she doesn't want, she wants Bjorn to fuck around with other girls, this character is clearly not long for the show. Too bad. Athelstan loses his mind here and gets killed, Ragnar probably knows who killed him but he can't do shit to Floki because nobody else can build ships. So maybe everyone will just have to move on. Ragnar also kills the guy who tells him what happened in Wessex, and Judith gets an ear cut off for committing adultery. Whole lot of cutting going on here brother.

 

[909]

PARIS

Paris attack prep is the deal here. Ragnar plays off that he doesn't know who killed Athelstan and it isn't even an open secret, hardly anyone knows. He puts Floki in charge of the attack. We get introduced to new characters, namely Parisians Emperor Charles (Lothaire Bluteau) and Count Odo (Owen Roe), but this show is not intending to be historically accurate anymore and is only loosely following aspects of Ragnar's supposed adventures. Meanwhile in England, Kwenthrith is claiming that she has a bastard son fathered by Ragnar, and will use that kid to protect herself until it is made clear that Ecbert already had the Viking settlement destroyed. So there's nothing that can really be gained from having that kid in the end.

TO THE GATES!

The Vikings attack Paris and it goes very badly. No characters of importance die but this is nearly a full blown massacre. I didn't have the slightest idea what would happen before watching this, but I was still surprised at how easily the Parisians were portrayed as being able to defend their city. The episode is full of fight scenes and hardly anything else, but Floki has descended into becoming a Norse fundamentalist and is very annoying to me now. Bjorn is quite wounded but I'm sure everything will be fine. Great action here.

 

[909]

BREAKING POINT

They did a good job here of making me think Ragnar was going to eat it. So he seems sure he's going to die and decides to get baptized because he thinks it'll go over well with the Franks, which it does until it doesn't in the following episode. The Vikings try to attack Paris again and are beaten back again prior to those things with Ragnar, Siegfried is executed and it seems that won't go over so well. There's also a plague now and over in Wessex Ecbert is banging Judith. Ho hum.

THE DEAD

Okay, this wasn't the most obvious thing in the world but the execution of this was great. It seemed like Ragnar died. Instead it was a ruse to carry him into Paris and kidnap Gisla (Emperor's daughter), causing the city gates to be lowered and the horde to cause madness. I loved all this but it took up most of the episode so there isn't much else to point out as being interesting. I also liked Ragnar telling Floki he knew about Athelstan. Rollo deciding to turncoat again was also not a big surprise, marrying the French chick was though.

SEASON 4

A GOOD TREASON

Everyone except Rollo gets back to Kattegat here, Ragnar is still messed up and Bjorn takes this chance to put Floki in chains and tie him to a post in the center of town. He's been arrested of course. Bjorn decides to go see if he can survive on his own in the wilderness after Ragnar scolds him, then Kalf and Lagertha kill Einar. So it's all happening here. Rollo is over in Paris as we know, he marries his new wife and doesn't take advantage of her to her surprise, then he goes full traitor and kills all the Norsemen who oppose him staying there. I do know at some point the story has to move beyond some of these characters because it is tied to history albeit in some ways very loosely. My assumption is that this is the season in which they will do so.

 

[909]

KILL THE QUEEN

Given the way Rollo is being treated by the Franks I feel like we're setting up for another big time jump here to a point where that is not the case. We just have to clear the Floki hurdle first perhaps. He is freed by Helga and tries to run away but Ragnar's young son Ubbe captures him. I thought this was funny but the episode ended in not-funny fashion with Floki's daughter having died and nobody telling him. There's really not that much to this episode tbh.

MERCY

Mercy is obviously a reference to what Ragnar gives Floki, but the scene with Ecbert and Ragnar having simultaneous visions of Athelstan is just stupid. Still rooting for a time jump too. I don't understand why Kalf would hire a berserker to kill Bjorn but I wish there were more scenes with this wild man. They introduced a character who won't be around long and didn't do anything fun with it. I did find it funny that Aethelwulf slept with Kwenthrith but again, let's move the story forward. I need this Rollo thing to accelerate to a point where he's learned French because I'm curious to see what happens.

 

[909]

YOL

Alright so clearly we aren't going the time jumping route until Rollo is dealt with. Maybe we will after that. His storyline also did accelerate to where the character has learned French, so now he's plowing his wife all the time and she doesn't hate him anymore. Good for him. Meanwhile Ragnar has gotten into the Chinese chick and she gives him opium now that she's no longer a slave. Aslaug is a straight up asshole so I don't see the problem with this. She has tasked Floki with raising Ivar to kill Christians and lol WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG WITH TEACHING HIM TO MURDER FROM HIS YOUNG AGE? A lot of shit happened in this episode, actually. Aelle finally learns his daughter is banging Ecbert and goes ham about it, Bjorn kills the berserker and steals Torvi from King Horik's son, and perhaps most importantly a new King has arrived in Kattegat with a small army and the intent on going to Paris to kill Christians. This resolved some of the problems I had with the two previous episodes.

PROMISED

So, the new King Harald's brother Halfdan arrives and talks even more about killing Christians, and both of them immediately befriend Floki so it seems like some weird shit is destined to take place. I did notice that Halfdan was the guy from BlacKkKlansman. This isn't the best episode with the exception of these things and Lagertha killing Kalf. Well she told him she was gonna do that, didn't she? I find this to be one of my favorite TV cliches, when one character doesn't believe the other even when told exactly what they intend to do to them.

 

[909]

WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN

Alright, so. Back to Paris we shall go, but not in this episode. Aethelwulf and Alfred get sent on a pilgrimage to Rome as well. We don't see them again immediately after that at all, I don't know what happens to them. Anyways, Odo is trying to get Charles to turncoat on Rollo, and they're all worried Rollo is going to turn on them, but that seems pretty unlikely to me. The vikings do arrive in France and they see Rollo, but they also light some guys on fire and everyone except Ragnar seems pretty happy. Harbard storyline sucks though I got nothing to say about that one.

THE PROFIT AND THE LOSS

So it's time to get past these forts, and Ragnar has the idea to attack both from land and water. It goes badly because Rollo is a much better tactician than him. Ragnar and everyone else tries to brute force their way through this shit and it fails. The Franks set the boats on fire until they turn around, Ragnar saves Floki and probably earns some goodwill, all in all not a good thing. The northmen cannot attack that way. So, Ecbert is also going to become King of Mercia, good for him, bet the lady won't like that though. Good episode with a LOT of fighting.

PORTAGE

There's a whole lot of complaining about Ragnar here, but he has the right idea. Carry the boats past the forts. That's really all you can do! This episode is the end of a couple characters though. Odo and Kwenthrith eat it, the latter of which was obviously some time in coming. Ragnar's slave Yidu also eats it at his own hands. When someone tells you a secret, even now, I recommend keeping that shit a secret. Never know what lengths some will go to in order to keep those things secret.

 

[909]

DEATH ALL ROUND

We get a good ol' Frankish massacre here, just to remind everyone that the vikings are also bad guys and it needs to be kept in mind that they're capable of bad shit. This happens in every show featuring evil people, no different here. Of course Lagertha has a miscarriage and Torvi kills Horik's son, all not surprising. Surprising though is the way they just discard Bjorn's daughter like a nothing. They didn't know what to do with the storyline and just wrote it out. Kinda messed up. Ragnar is kinda messed up from these drugs and he just wants to kill Rollo. I also hate Aslaug.

THE LAST SHIP

Big fight. Rollo wins. Nobody of value dies during the battle, Charles has the brother and sister killed back in Paris. After the battle we get a HUGE time jump, I assume this will be the last one because you can't age some of these characters up more. They'd be dead if you did. Everyone's older now. Aslaug got a makeup job to look much older, Bjorn got one, and all Ragnar's kids are played by grown men. They have a scene where they all bash on their dad, except Ivar and Bjorn who seem more likely to defend him. The truth of Wessex is revealed, and then Ragnar returns from a disappearance that lasted during the entire time jump apparently. He's much older and tells his sons that if they want to be king, they should kill him. And for everyone that was viewing the show as it happened they had to wait 7 months to find out what happened lol. I thought this was all great, a fantastic way to spend an hour of my time. If you didn't like this episode might as well not even watch the show.

THE OUTSIDER

This episode, on the other hand, is not my favorite. I don't want to see an hour of Ragnar feeling sorry for himself while visiting the people from his past. The problem with these scenes is that we just saw Ragnar with these people, we know that he lied to them for years, and he doesn't have anything to say other than feeling sorry for himself. Until the ending, at least. He tries to hang himself and can't, then gets Ivar to come with him to England. Meanwhile Bjorn is going to go to the Mediterranean with Floki, and some other stuff happens that makes me wonder if Ivar is really all that bad. But maybe he is lol. He killed another kid!

 

[909]

THE VISION

Alright so Aslaug has a vision that Ivar and Ragnar will die in a storm when they sail to England. Well they don't die in a storm but Ragnar and Ivar arrive in England with hardly anyone to help them. That isn't revealed until the next episode though. The other main deal here is that Aslaug and Lagertha are about to have their spat turned into a full blown feud. Bjorn also leaves with one of Aslaug's sons (Hvisterk), Floki, and Harald. So all these pieces are removed from the board in what's to come.

TWO JOURNEYS

Obviously the title is about Bjorn's journey and Ragnar's journey. Bjorn makes it to France and well it's time to run into Rollo again. Unexpectedly Rollo says that he'll only let Bjorn pass if he can come with. Didn't expect that. Of course then they decide to scare the shit out of Rollo and/or kill him. Maybe Bjorn changes his mind and maybe he doesn't and this was the plan all along, but they keelhaul Rollo and it's pretty funny. On Ragnar's journey he decides for him and Ivar to kill everyone they came to England with. Given that they had to bribe those guys, no love lost there. Ragnar's plan is also now obviously clear. He wants to be killed and wants his sons to avenge the settlement. How many shows kill their lead off though? This one does. Back in Kattegat Lagertha is also going to kill Aslaug and imprisoned her sons to make it easier. Loved this episode.

IN THE UNCERTAIN HOUR BEFORE THE MORNING

Rest in piss Aslaug lol. Made her think she could leave and killed her anyway. Ubbe and Sigurd are made to not kill Lagertha, and at least for right now it would be pointless to try. Ragnar and Ivar are captured which leads us to very long conversations with Ragnar and Ecbert. These scenes are great, Ecbert clearly knows Ragnar's intention yet he doesn't want to do it himself. He also doesn't want to give Ragnar to Aelle, but that's what Ragnar wants. I think he wants it to hurt because of the regrets he has, and he wants his sons to kill both Ecbert and Aelle. So I'm sure they will! Cracked up at Ragnar saying Magnus couldn't be his kid, but now the kid has to go so nobody kills him.

ALL HIS ANGELS

This episode was tough to watch. It's Ragnar being killed brutally by Aelle. The way he goes out is by being thrown into a pit of snakes. Some of you know how I feel about snakes, I couldn't watch that shit. Ivar returns to Kattegat and learns what happened to his mother, but this is all Ragnar related stuff. I thought the scenes with Ragnar and Ivar prior to this episode were great. At least one of his sons cared enough about him, at least he got to care about one of his sons and you'd see that he cared. I dunno what's up with the one eyed guy though. Ecbert coming down and blending in to watch Ragnar's execution was unexpected. He didn't like it.

 

[909]

CROSSINGS

So, our followup from the last episode is that Ragnar's sons all have visions of Odin even though they're spread all over Europe at the moment. Bjorn makes his raid all the way to Algeciras, they encounter muslims and Floki has a very hard time killing someone for once. Helga then kidnaps a child and decides she should become her daughter. Again though, this is one of those episodes that lays bare the problem with how people behaved in the past. The seer also tells Lagertha one of the sons will kill her, but she's powerless to stop that and maybe she doesn't believe the prophecies anyway. Harald is also planning to overthrow Bjorn and whoever else, so we'll see how that goes.

THE GREAT ARMY

It is decided here that the sons will form a gigantic army to send to England, that Bjorn won't let Lagertha die without he himself being killed, and well Torvi doesn't want Bjorn to go with Ivar to England and she's just wrong. Bjorn is now tired of being told what to do and he's lashing out. He bangs Lagertha's girlfriend too, just salt the earth everywhere or some shit. This will be a big massacre over in England. Looking forward to it. Good setup here though, and the prior episode's Spanish adventure was great viewing.

 

[909]

REVENGE

I loved seeing Aelle killed via blood eagle. That's all that mattered to me in this episode, but I do think we got around to that far too quickly. It was like they were in Norway one minute and in England the next, because that's exactly how the show did it! This shit with Harald and the woman he loved was obviously gonna come to a disgusting ending and I think it's actually overkill at this point to show how bad the vikings are. If you haven't figured that out by now you're kinda stupid.

ON THE EVE

Scar guy attacks Kattegat and doesn't win, so Harald's plans to take Kattegat are busted and obviously not going to come to fruition. Maybe not ever. Great battle scene here though and surely in the following episode Wessex will be taking an absolute pounding. Might even see the end of Ecbert! The Harald scene was of course absolutely disgusting.

 

[909]

THE RECKONING

Slightly surprised that Ecbert was allowed to kill himself, and my assumption was that the storyline would end at this point. I was wrong. At the very end of the episode I saw Jonathan Rhys Meyers banging some lady after doing priestly duties and well, it isn't over. Bjorn decides that he and Halfdan are going to go raid the Med again, Floki splits off by himself, and in some ways this does seem to be the end of an era. Helga getting killed by the 'adopted' girl was wild too. Kinda saw that coming and honestly it was very much deserved. They straight up kidnapped this girl. Unfortunately I'm not sure how much I like the show after this point because things kind of go off the rails.

SEASON 5

THE FISHER KING

At the very fuckin end of season 4, Sigurd got killed by Ivar (who claimed it was accidental). It was probably not accidental. This episode is largely about dealing with the ramifications of that and for the most part there are none. Kinda wack. We spend a lot of time with Alfred and that's not very interesting either. Ivar gets his brothers to conquer York, then it's time to argue over which of them should be their leader, and honestly I find Ivar to be pretty annoying at this point too. Harald also gets busted when he comes back to Kattegat.

THE DEPARTED

Floki thinks he's found Asgard and this is a big highlight so far of the early portion of this season. I cracked up numerous times here. This guy is a norse fundie to his core. Lagertha rapes Harald in another of the few highlights so far. I say that's a highlight because it's a disruption of the power balance, it leads to thinks that are interesting and not just standard in-fighting between the brothers, of which there's way too much here already. Harald subsequently captures Astrid after being bailed out of his prison by his lackeys, and they sail back to wherever in Norway they came from. He wants Astrid to marry him and she doesn't want that. Liked this stuff but the Ivar stuff is a hard no for me right now.

HOMELAND

Why does Ubbe have to be so stupid? That's part of the imbalance in this storyline. We get a big Saxons vs. Vikings battle here and the Saxons are repelled back from York. Ubbe wants to negotiate peace and this Bishop Heahmund sons him after. Lol. Yeah, I think Ivar is boring though and it's not that the actor really did anything wrong. The character is really evil but he's also too crippled to be believable. I feel like his brothers would have killed him long before now.

 

[909]

THE PLAN

This episode is all kinds of weird. Bjorn and his group finally make it to Sicily and find that they have to head to current day Tunisia. So they're going to do that, and at this point I had to look up whether or not Vikings actually traveled to Africa. And they did! Meanwhile Astrid agrees to marry Harald even though surely she's just going to try to kill him, Ubbe aligns with Lagertha, and Floki decides that he should bring settlers to Iceland. Episode also ends in a way where it's obvious we're going to have another big Vikings vs. Saxons battle.

THE PRISONER

Said battle happens and ends with Heahmund being taken prisoner. No idea what their intentions are for this guy but I'm glad they didn't just kill him. Over in Africa everyone winds up eating the guy who brought them there. Yes, I mean that literally. They didn't know, but still. Floki is also told he can't take settlers even though he's obviously going to. This is not really a big deal of an episode. We keep things moving along and we have that big battle, but it seems like we're in a holding pattern waiting for Ivar to head back to Kattegat and for shit to happen.

THE MESSAGE

Unfortunately Ivar does not go back to Kattegat. Instead he goes to meet with Harald, they form an alliance, Astrid tries to send word back and gets raped, all in good fun this episode. At least they don't make the Game of Thrones mistake. They are sure not to show her get gangraped. Fuckin then we get introduced to EDGE as one of Floki's settlers. It seems like he's gonna be the #2 in Iceland and that we're actually gonna get storylines featuring him. That was not what I expected. I thought he was gonna be a background guy one time or something. That was a nice surprise but again, holding pattern. Lagertha is really pushing it treating Ubbe's wife like shit though. I feel like taking out a second of his loved ones would turn out badly. Bjorn is coming back too though.

 

[909]

FULL MOON

I didn't write about this episode even though I watched it a few days ago. I have been really busy. Anyways, the title is in reference to when Kattegat will be attacked. That's mostly what this is about, preparation. Astrid is pregnant and given the time frames in which this show operates it could be either by Harald or the gangrapists. All pretty bleak sounding if I'm honest and there's only two ways this could go. Either someone kills her or she goes back to Lagertha. Obviously I already know what happens as you'll see when you read the rest of this post. Bjorn meets someone new and marries her nearly immediately after telling Torvi they need to split. I also laughed at Floki's colony goings-on because it doesn't fit with this show anymore at all.

THE JOKE

This is a big battle episode. Things have finally come to a head and Lagertha's forces were more prepared. The short of it is that they won and captured Heahmund. Ivar takes some of their army towards their ships and decides not to use them, so this is a pretty big loss although they maintained some strength for later. Cool episode though.

A SIMPLE STORY

This all moves really fast and Heahmund pledges to Lagertha, he'll fight for her and she for him. They bang too but I don't remember which episode this happens in. Ubbe and Torvi start a new thing because Ubbe's wife is nuts, and there's a gigantic peace summit that does not end in peace. Halfdan will fight against his brother and Hvitserk will fight against Bjorn. What's more is that Hvitserk went to Rollo to get troops. Sounds not good! Someone burns down the Thor temple in Iceland and this is a big deal, and also in other countries we have the death of Aethelwulf after being stung by a bee. Can't say I saw that coming but honestly, I was surprised the story was still hanging around in Wessex. Although now I know there's clearly a reason. Alfred becomes king and not his brother.

MOMENTS OF VISION

This huge episode is told way out of order, where you see what happened to characters during this big battle and see what they were doing before the battle started. The big notes here are that Astrid dies because she wants to, Hvitserk kills one of Torvi's sons even though Ubbe spares him, Harald kills Halfdan, and Ivar wins. At the absolute end the viewer also gets to see the arrival of Rollo, the ever present bad guy who shows up when needed. All these people are bad but the level of backstabbing he gets up to is incredible. Fuckin also Floki says that he should be sacrificed to the gods. And then the viewer had to wait ten months to see what happened after all this! The show is very clearly not as good without Ragnar but it's still entertaining.

THE REVELATION

Of course, Ivar takes his dad's throne and pees on it because Lagertha sat there. I am really looking forward to seeing this dude get ended, but as I said before, I don't understand how or why anyone would take orders from him. Anyways, Harald's shit is all fucked up and then Rollo arrives and makes clear that he's going to get a deal from these people that will practically break them. What else are they gonna do though? Lagertha, Bjorn, Ubbe, Torvi, Heahmund, and Margrethe all bailed, the last of which wound up tied up in a pig pen because she can't be trusted. Lol. Rollo goes to find them because he knows where they probably are, he tells Bjorn that he's his dad even though it is made clear by Bjorn he resembles Ragnar much more, and Bjorn says it doesn't matter anyway. Eventually the good guys bail to Wessex and are captured even though Heahmund said he'll vouch for them. Margrethe was left behind all tied up, and Ivar saw here after paying Rollo to tell them where everyone was. Rollo's request was so insane I kept laughing after each thing he said. Dunno where things go from here but at least Floki isn't being sacrificed.

 

[909]

MURDER MOST FOUL

This episode is pretty funny cause I guess if you want your spot as a bishop back? Just go unearth a conspiracy and kill the other bishop yourself. No harm done. Ivar gets married here and this chick drinks his blood and tells him that this will let him have children, but she goes to bang a slave to make SURE she produces a child for this lunatic. Ivar also has Margrethe killed lol. Meanwhile over in England there's a conspiracy to have Alfred overthrown as I already mentioned, Bjorn is banging Alfred's soon to be wife, and Ubbe and Torvi going to become Christian. Well what else are they gonna do? The Iceland shit is like the slowest build to this one guy being kicked out of the colony, but like I said, it's a SLOW build.

A NEW GOD

Ivar thinks he's a god lol. He heavily teases having Hvitserk sacrificed but I can't imagine the show would tell that story. There's some other fate for these two. Anyway, the only other development with Ivar's story is that Harald goes back to raid England with the intention of coming back and killing Ivar. Would love to see that but I don't think we'll be so lucky. Over in Iceland things go as they were and I don't care, but in England Bjorn encounters Magnus and believes his story. Heahmund also gets his spot back and that's about it. Kind of a slow episode with the exception of Ivar.

THE LOST MOMENT

The episodes I watched last night were better than the ones the night before. This and the next one I mean. Ivar brings out a fake Lagertha and sacrifices her against her will, which as we remember from the first season is supposed to be a horrendous omen for whoever does that. The Seer is also not cooperative with Ivar so Ivar kills him too. Couldn't believe that, I thought that dude would hang around for the whole series. Alfred's brother wants to kill him but can't bring himself to complete the conspiracy and do it (see how these guys aren't vikings cause if they were, it would be done), and nobody else believes Magnus about Ragnar being his dad. Of course they shouldn't. The Iceland shit was going nowhere to the point it wasn't worth mentioning until the next episode.

HELL

Ivar quietly gets rid of the Seer to start this one, but I should note that the Seer was predicting Very Bad Things. I'm sick of some of these Ivar scenes though. In England and Iceland, shit finally comes to a head. The guy who keeps denouncing Floki has to be exiled because his family won't stop seeking revenge on others. Ubbe meets with Harald and uses the situation to surround Harald's army, proving he and his family's value and ensuring nothing will happen to them. Heahmund's dead though. He renounced his love to Lagertha because he had to and ate it like five minutes later. Lol. Gotta be honest here. This show died a bit for me when Ragnar died and with Floki gone from the main and Ivar ruling shit, I'm kinda looking forward to when this storyline ends or when the show ends. Hopefully it's the storyline ending and hopefully it's soon.

 

[909]

THE BUDDHA

The ending of this episode is wild, so wild I could hardly believe it. Getting to that point wasn't the most exciting thing ever though. First, Ivar hears that Harald lost in Wessex and is planning his own raid. Bjorn wants to get Harald to attack Kattegat with him. Harald doesn't like that Bjorn is into Gunnhild, the chick from the boat they showed a couple times. But he's probably gonna have to get over that. There is land given to Ubbe but Alfred winds up sick and Judith decides to poison Aethelred and kill him. I laughed. Talk about an extreme overreaction. What if Alfred died and she had no sons?

THE MOST TERRIBLE THING

Yeah, when you kill your own son, I would call that the most terrible thing someone can do. But in this case it's not just Judith doing things similar to that. Over in Iceland, Edge has gone berserk from the cold or some shit, I don't really know what his problem is, but he is now revenge obsessed. He is led over to the second settlement and decides to kill EVERYONE. These scenes are pretty good tbh. If you think Edge can't act, well you'd be wrong. This leads to Edge's daughter committing suicide. Well, like I said, a situation similar to Judith. Harald and Bjorn make the same deal Harald and Ivar had, but Gunnhild is not committal to which of them she'll marry. Can see that Harald is gonna get cucked again here. It's blatantly obvious. That being said this is highly enjoyable and Ivar keeps hinting at killing Hvitserk or Hvitserk's Girlfriend (so I assumed the latter was about to eat it).

BALDUR

We continue the theme here with Ivar KILLING HIS "SON" because his son turned out to be a cripple just like him. So maybe this kid was his son? That's left unanswered but there's no ramifications seen yet from him leaving his son outside in the cold. Hvitserk also goes to meet this King Olaf guy and he's both quite fat and decides to torture Hvitserk to make sure Hvitserk is serious about killing his own brother. Well, he is. Ivar also kills Hvitserk's Girlfriend (I didn't bother to learn her name). Lagertha is also finally found and it seems Judith has breast cancer and will die. It also seems that Kattegat will definitely be attacked. Floki decides to disappear once again and starts walking through Iceland until he finds what he thinks is the mouth of Hell. Sounds cool dude. Lastly, Gunnhild decides to marry Bjorn and leaves Harald lovestruck once more, but taking Kattegat is still on the agenda. Would he kill Bjorn though? These are good episodes and we're now clearly headed towards the end of Ivar's bullshit, which is much appreciated. Hopefully some of these storylines come together instead of remaining so fractured across the map.