Gaming with GADD

So it appears that KingPK and I had the same idea on a weekly gaming column where we would just writeup what each one of us played every week. However, while it appears he’ll be giving a nice concise breakdown of what he did that week, I’ll be going more in the form of a spastic barely legible mess. Why? Because this more accurately reflects my gaming habits, where I play 10 games a week for maybe half an hour at a time. You see I have a very serious disability called Game Attention Deficit Disorder, or GADD. Every week you’ll be able to follow me on this journey through gaming hell, or at least until the GADD starts spreading and I forget to submit articles to the site.

Tuesday:

So now that I once again have real time to dedicate to video games, I decided what better way to start than to jump straight into the hottest latest property out there:

Stuntman: Ignition

For those who somehow don’t know what Stuntman is, it’s a driving game where you take the role of a Stuntman (hence the title) and are tasked to do various tricks that are called out by the director of the movie you’re driving for. There is no “racing” involved in this game, and infact you can fail if you’re driving too fast and pass a car you’re supposed to be chasing. Stuntman: Ignition is the sequel that was released in 2007 for the XBox 360 (and other systems I’m sure.) I went in on the second to last movie, a James Bond parody, and played for a while until I got to a certain trick that kept fucking with me. Powerslide around a 90 degree turn, hit a half ramp to go up on two tires, and drive across a narrow beam before coming back down on the other side. It doesn’t SOUND that hard, but the full speed 90 degree turn kept throwing me off and I was unable to hit that ramp at the right damn angle. So after about half an hour of repeated failure I rage quit that bitch because I suck at video games. After that I decided to move onto

NBA 2K13

As the name suggests, NBA 2k13 is a basketball sim. For those who don’t know what basketball is, it’s this sport where large athletic black men attempt to conceal their homosexual urges towards each other, some less successful than others (I’m lookin at you, Kobe and Dwight), and have decided that the best way to supress these feelings is to try and forcibly shove their ball down another man’s hole without his consent. HBA 2k13 has a MyPlayer mode, where you concentrate on one specific repressed homosexual and try to make him the best in all the land. I’m midway through my first season with Max Powers, PG turned SG for the Milwaukee Bucks. I played two games in this play session and got named the starting PG for the Rising Stars challenge during All-Star Weekend. At this point my player is still a pretty bad shooter, but I rack up assists like Kenneth Faried racks up men’s underwear. What? What do you want me to say? It’s video game basketball. How am I supposed to do an entertaining writeup of it? Continuing with the basketball theme I then went on to play
Lose $2 on Fanduel

Yeah, I fucking suck at fantasy basketball now. I don’t know what happened, I was kicking ass last season. I blame no Kevin Love (and J-Smoove sucking compared to last season) for my lack of success this year. While I was in the middle of losing my two dollars I was also playing
Trials Evolution

Obviously you’re noticing by this point I’m really into games with deep rich narratives. Oh man, Trials. If you have an XBox 360 and still haven’t played Trials Evo yet, shame on you. You’re a terrible person and should feel bad about yourself. Trials Evo is an XBLA masterpiece where you ride a motorcycle across increasingly more insane and more difficult stages in an attempt to finish with as few faults as possible. The reason why this game works is because the controls are so tight and every time you crash you know it’s because YOU fucked up, not because the game screwed you on something. Trials Evo was my 2012 Game of the Year and I’m trying to get back into it again after some time off, going back into the Riders of Doom DLC that was released near the end of last year. I’m not exactly sure WHY I buy the DLC for this game, considering it has the absolute best creation tools of any game ever made. I got back through the mediums and hards, and am now on the extreme courses from that DLC pack, so expect more updates from me just full of swearing at this game. Also as a side note: if you’re playing Trials multiplayer and you’re playing supercross…fuck you. Supercross is baby trials. Graduate from that shit and play some REAL tracks online.

Wednesday:

I didn’t play jack. I’d like to pretend that I was busy with all sorts of important things but truthfully I just didn’t feel like playing any games today.

Thursday:

The only game I played today was

Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts

Nuts and Bolts is a continuation of the Banjo series from the N64 days, except that instead of a platforming collectathon they made all the missions vehicle based with a focus on customizing your vehicle to try and figure out ways to make the missions easier. Also, in the biggest move from the N64 titles, this one is supposed to not suck. Yeah, I said it, the N64 Banjo games were dog shit. As far as this game, it was already 3 AM before I popped it in so I only got in less than an hour of gameplay before I decided to head off to bed. I only played about 3-4 missions, getting to the Logbox 720, the second area in the game. At this point the game seems to be ok at least, but I still need to get to the really customizable parts of the game, as right now I feel like I’m still in the tutorial stage, and don’t have enough parts to make a new vehicle from scratch. I look forward to playing more of it at some point in the future.

Friday:

I did a complete one sitting playthrough of Amateur Coma Simulator – the game where you sleep for 14 hours in a row. I give it five stars, I felt completely satisfied by the time I was done. I did manage to squeeze in one other game though. Well I mean..I guess you could call it a game.
Hill Climb Racing

It’s an android (and I assume iOS as well) endless runner style of game, except you’re driving a vehicle across one of eleven stages(that’s right! ELEVEN! NOT TEN SON! NEW LEVEL ADDED!) while managing gas and trying not to break your freakin neck by hitting it on the ceiling or flipping the car over and landing on it. Tapping the right side of the screen is the gas pedal and the left side is the brake pedal, with both pedals also rotating the vehicle one direction or the other while in midair. It’s a simple game but it’s gotten me through many a boring night at work. Also, before I started writing this article up, I had no idea how many of my games revolved around driving in one way or another. I need to diversify my portfolio, stat!

Saturday:

Trials Evolution

Look I…..I just don’t want to talk about this, ok? I feel like I was violated by this game and am contacting my local congressman to see what my legal options are.

Sunday:

Started out the night by attempting to play Borderlands – Claptrap’s New Robot Revolution DLC, but XBox Live decided it didn’t want to allow any multiplayer invites to go through, so instead I went on PS3 and decided to play something awful instead
Naughty Bear: Gold Edition

I don’t even know WHY I did this to myself. I made it through the first level and that was all I could stand. It looks like it’s supposed to be a stealth based game, but the action is so easy there’s no reason to try and be stealthy. Despite how broken the gameplay appears to be based on 1 level of gameplay, I think the biggest offense with this game is just how completely and utterly dull everything is. You’re an evil teddy bear who goes around murdering other teddy bears. If you can’t find a way to make the complete absurdity of this concept at least mildly amusing, you’re doing something SERIOUSLY wrong man. Hell, I only played one level, maybe it gets amazing later on. But if it does, it’ll be someone other than me finding that out, because I don’t plan on ever touching this game again.

NBA 2k13

Yep, more basketball, more MyPlayer mode. I played through the final game before the all star break and I’m just so damn passive in this game. I didn’t even attempt my first shot until almost 3 minutes into the 2nd quarter. I really should shoot more, but at the same time why bother when Brandon Jennings is good to go off for 30+ every night if I keep feeding him the ball? After that I then played the Rising Stars Challenge and decided that I would be more aggressive with my shooting in that game, and basically played like a ball hogging jackass, only passing if I knew it would lead to a highlight play. I wound up with 24 points in that game, so you know, if I really do want to act like Carmelo it’d be pretty successful for me.

Monday:

I was planning on sitting down and doing some SERIOUS GAMING, but instead I got called out and had to do 10 hours straight of construction work, including moving a big heavy ass cast iron bathtub. So now I’m just going to submit this article and pass the hell out. Next week. Next week is when the serious gaming happens, I swear!

If you’re one of the 7 people to actually read this entire poorly written thing and want more of the same next week, WHY? No seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?