Andrew Lutzke
Mean Gene and Gorilla Monsoon call the action.
Salvatore Bellomo vs. Moondog Spot
Boston fans react oddly as they jeer Bellemo and cheer for Spot. Even the announcers note it. It’s admirable of Bellemo that in a locker room full of steroid loaded bodies, he just strolls out there chubby, pale and without a hint of muscle tone. Spot at least has the common decency to just be fat and hairy. The fans shit on Bellomo right away with loud “boring!” chants as he locks on armbars. Monsoon comments on the non-action then rolls right into a hyperbolic spiel on how the WWF is packing arenas across the country with excitement.
Spot becomes a hero by tossing Bellomo to the floor and then into the barricade. Bellomo is battered back in the ring. Spot tries a cover, but Bellomo reaches the ropes. Spotty makes him pay by jumping on the leg as it remains draped over the rope. Bellomo gets a brief flurry in but Spot downs him for the pin with a shoulder breaker at 7:43. The fans cheer and chant for Spot afterwards. This was inoffensive, but dull.
Swede Hanson vs. Steve Lombardi
Lombardi stalls and stalls as Hanson is very old and can’t do anything. Hanson works Lombardi’s arm, wrenching it into a chicken wing/hammerlock. Lombardi gets some token offense and the fans chant “boring!” again for a headlock. Hanson starts to no sell Lombardi’s blows, hits a splash and mercifully ends things at 9:41. ZZZZZZZZ….
Rocky Johnson vs. “Big” John Studd
Johnson’s far off from any sort of push, but the Boston fans know and appreciate him as a star. Johnson goes for a slam early, and that ends poorly for him. Studd controls things with a bear hug. Johnson breaks free and unloads with punches and a headbutt. He tries another slam and Studd uses the ropes to block Rocky’s attempt. Studd falls on top and earns the quick win at 4:08. Zero bumping to be had. This was fine for what it was.
Tito Santana vs. Brutus Beefcake
Boston unleashes a “fruitcake!” chant. Okerlund makes a veiled reference to Beefcake having homosexual leanings and teases Monsoon about it. Santana out wrestles Beefcake, escaping and reversing Bruti’s rudimentary offensive efforts. Beefcake gets dirty, which fires up Santana’s Latin blood. This leads to Tito unloading with a slew of fists.
Beefcake regains control with punches, kicks and chokes. Santana teases a comeback, but runs into the buckle while charging at Beefcake. Monsoon claims the “5-count” rule for chokes is not official and the ref could DQ the abuser at any point.
Tito makes his comeback for real, quickly downing Beefcake and locking on the figure-four. Johnny V distacts Santana. Tito goes over to assault the manager. Beefer jumps Santana from behind, knocking him to the floor. V and Santana trade blows, with Beefcake joining in. Santana slips in the ring for the count-out win at 12:52. Santana reveals a bloody face from his struggle. Beefcake and Johnny V want to pursue the issue, so Santana grabs a chair for an equalizer. The heels think better of things after that. Santana made this totally watchable. I’d assume this leads to a Santana and ____ vs Beefcake and Greg Valentine next month. (Spoiler alert: It doesn’t.)
Tony Garea vs. Ken Patera
Patera controls with the basics but stopping to pose allows Garea to catch him with a dropkick. Patera regains command of the match with little issue, rotating between squeezing Garea in a headlock and choking him for some easy, cheap heat.
Patera misses a flying knee, giving Garea a target to focus on. Patera maneuvers out of several moves Garea attempts, before Garea accidentally runs into the buckles. Patera quickly drops an elbow and yanks on the tights for the win at 7:56. Paint by numbers stuff, with bare minimum effort here.
Intercontinental champ Greg “The Hammer” Valentine vs. the Junkyard Dog
JYD is way over. That almost goes without saying. Valentine stooges for JYD, since the Dog is largely immobile. JYD waits in the middle for the champ, then delivers strikes before he traps Valentine in an arm wringer.
JYD falls to the mat and is subjected to elbows, knees and forearms being driven into his body. Dog sells big as the champion bends his arm behind his back. JYD makes his way back vertical and begins to rock Valentine with fists and headbutts. Jimmy Hart tries to get involved, but JYD misses a head butt directed at Valentine, making his interference moot. I then have to eat my words as the Hammer attempts a figure-four but winds up knocked into Hart instead.
Valentine manages to wrangle JYD into a cradle and grabs a handful of tights to ensure a successful title defense at 10:33. This one had good heat, and Valentine hid JYD’s deficiencies well.
Ivan Putski vs. Barry O
Putski establishes early on that he has the power advantage, so O is forced to focus more on using headlocks and chokes to minimize his weak points. Putski hits some punches and finishes things with the “Polish Hammer” in short order at 3:53. Just a squash.
Mario Mancini vs. “The Duke of Dorchester” Pete Doherty
I was clamouring for some hot jobber on jobber action an hour and a half into this card. Doherty is wacky at least, making faces towards the fans with each blow he delivers. Doherty finishes things with a leg drop and elbow at 2:10 . Another squash. Monsoon claims to have the Boston Garden record for the fastest match with an 8-second win over Tony Nero. Six weeks earlier Monsoon was crowing at Wrestlemania about how King Kong Bundy’s “9-second” win was a world record. He’s got to keep track of his own bullshit better than that.
WWF World champion Hulk Hogan and Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka vs. Don “Magnificent” Muraco and Bob Orton Jr.
The faces lure Muraco and Orton into trying a sneak attack, which they then cut off and batter the heels. All four men brawl, with Hogan and Snuka dominating. Snuka and the Hulkster take turns attacking Orton’s bum arm.
Hogan falls victim to the villains and spends several minutes absorbing abuse in their corner. Orton impresses me with a delayed suplex on the quite large World champion. Hogan is further abused until he catches Muraco with a clothesline, allowing Snuka to tag in. Superfly unleashes chops and headbutts upon both men. Fuji draws the ref’s attention, allowing Orton to crack Snuka with his cast. Hogan gets a shot too, for good measure. Snuka bleeds thoroughly as Orton openly uses the cast as a weapon in front of the ref.
Both heels batter the crimson masked Superfly for a bit before Hogan makes the tag. Hogan tries to fight off both men, but Orton pops him with the cast. Muraco and Orton work him over, apparently earning a DQ for excessive double-teaming at 9:32.
Hogan makes his own save by doing a mini-Hulk up. Snuka joins in the fun as all four men pour their fight out to the floor. A barricade is taken out and suddenly a dozen cops charge the scene and chaos erupts in the stands.
The heels escape and the bloody Snuka and Hogan return to the ring to soak in the adulation as the cops and fans continue to scuffle in the stands. A fun final few minutes culminating with a wild ending.
Final thoughts: I’ll be frank here, I edited this article together about a month after I first wrote a draft and I was surprised reading the line up as I had zero recollection of anything. That doesn’t bode well for the card, however, the riotous ending is worth seeking out.
