Let's Play: Legend of the Red Dragon (LORD)

[Smues]

This week has sucked, so let us escape to a fantasy land of magic and enchantment and dragons. A land without CGI or high resolution graphics. A land presented entirely in text.

Wait wait come back, I didn't mean go read a book, books are for losers! I mean an old fashioned text based video game. Yes kids, these existed. Not only did they exist but they even made it into the modem and internet age and there were (and still are) multi-player games that are entirely made up of text. Take that you illiterate fucks!

SMUES NOTE: I had intended to take video of this, which would have been the most boring youtube video ever made, but unfortunately FRAPS apparently doesn't work with Dosbox. So instead you just get boring screencaps, which are still a bitch to get since I can't use FRAPS, but luckily oddly enough I learned just today how to screencap just the active window and not the whole screen. Given I run 2 monitors this saves a fuck ton (imperial, not metric) of time. For those wondering it's alt-PrtScn. WHY DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS EARLIER? Also yes, I am posting this on the board and not the website. I may do a Let's Play with ourselves for the site at some point, but this one doesn't really fit there.

So anyway LORD, probably the most popular door game on old BBSes. If a BBS had games, it likely had LORD. The basic premise is there's a dragon, a red dragon (oh shit son I bet you didn't see that coming) that needs killing. So you fight shit in the forest day in and day out until you get to level 12 and get good enough gear to kill the dragon. You have a limited number of forest fights per day, so you had to log back into the BBS every day to get your fights in. The number of forest fights was system configurable, but defaulted to 15 and the majority of boards I played on left it at 15 or didn't set it much higher than 20 or 25, so it could take quite a long time before someone killed that dragon. There were also a lot of add-ons available (including a porn mod, because rule 34 doesn't just apply to graphical mediums) but we'll just be playing the standard game here. As to the multi-player aspects, the game was mostly played alone, but you could have player vs player fights with other players, and leave them messages and shit in town. So this was less of a multi-player text game and more of a single player game that you weren't the only one playing. Anywho let's start this shit. PUT YOUR READING GLASSES ON NOW.

Oh one last thing, I don't feel like waiting a month to finish this thing so I set the forest fights per day way high. Speed run bitches.

Oh shit a quiz already? I didn't even study. Umm, no?

FUCK

 

[DrVenkman PhD]

Hey we were just talking about this, how about that.

 

[tekcop]

somedudeeatingpopcorn.gif

 

[Smues]

That's better. You have a choice of three classes but they all play exactly the same for the most part. They all have the same stats and attacks as far as I know, with the only different being your power move, and how you earn more. The warrior class gets a power attack that does double damage, wizards get a variety of spells, and the thieves get a backstab attack...that as far as I remember is pretty much the same thing as the warrior's power attack. You get X special attacks per day and increase that number by leveling up and through forest encounter's we'll see in a bit.

Oh right it's Death Knight, not warrior. Whatever.

IF YOUR UNDER DEVELOPED MIND WOULD INVEST THE ADEQUATE NEEDED QUANTITY OF TIME IN BETTERING ITSELF IN THE PATHS OF KNOWLEDGE YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND THAT THE DISCIPLINES OF THE WARRIORS AND THOSE OF THE DEATH KNIGHTS COULD NOT BE MORE OPPOSITE THAN THEY ALREADY ARE YOU UN-FOKED HOGANITE. FOREST FIGHTS DON'T MAKE THE WORLD WORK!

O......k.....moving on. Hi-ho, hi-ho, to the main menu we go.

It's pretty self-explanatory. Shops for weapons and armor, an inn to rest for the night as well far flirt with the barmaid, the place to level up, a place to heal, and the forest where all the creature killing will take place. Note: Other Places is where you would go to access any mods installed on the game. I have none so we won't be going there. In Tournament Lord I believe this was limited to just a guy who bought gems for cash. In non T-Lord the possibilities were limitless. There were some fun ones, but a lot of them kind of broke the game because if they weren't balanced they could help you level up and get money far too quickly. I remember beating the dragon on day 1 on some BBS because of an add-on that pretty much allowed you to get unlimited forest fights.

And the screen you'll get sick of fast, the forest. Note I have 9,999 fights, but usually you would have 15-30.

No way I'm capping most of the fights, as I'll go through hundreds and probably thousands before killing the dragon. But this is what it looks like in general. You hit l in the forest to find a fight, and unless you get a special even you find something. Either attack, run, or use your special moves. That's about it. The enemy attacks every time you do, so after each round you have the chance to try and run if needed. When you die you're done until the next day. I hope the old man is Clint Eastwood, because I'l totally going to hit him with a chair.

 

[Smues]

Oh boy here we go. Every time you look for a forest fight there's a chance of triggering an event, which seems to happen every two or three tries. I think most of my screen caps will be related to these. As I mentioned above besides leveling up the other way you get more special attacks, Death Knight attacks in this case, is from events in the forest. For Death Knight's you run in these guys and have to make a choice. It takes four points to get an extra attack per day, so you're going going to get 2 3/4 more attacks from leveling up (the level cap is 12 unless I'm completely remembering this wrong.) So you cross your fingers you'll find a lot in the forest.

It's the same choice every time and you aren't given any clues or hints as to guilt, it's just a coin toss. Wizards have to do a guess the number game with some old coot, so there's is almost as random, but those thieving bastards just have to have a gem on them and you trade the gem for a point. Bullshit!

Anyway I'm registered Republican so let's go with guilty.

Woot woot. I guess he was guilty of something but we'll never know.

Free gem! Gem's in this game have a couple of uses. Which we'll see as we go along. They're most important for thieves, but still handy to find as a Death Knight.

Par-ty par-ty par-ty. I wonder if Robin Hood was there too. If so I hope it was Carey Elwes.

Hmm, no idea why I screen capped this, pasted it to paint, saved it, and uploaded it. But since I did it I'll post it here anyway.

Oh right the menu options that's why I did it. So while in the forest you're options are look for a fight, leave, or go to the healer. So thankfully as long as you have enough money you can heal after every fight quickly. While it's not listed you can also hit b and throw your money up and a bird takes it to the bank for you. This comes in handy because you lose your on hand money when you die, so if you're getting your ass kicked you want to send the money to the bank all the time.

UGLY VULTURE!

Follow up the ugly bird with a dead one, lovely. Well let's see where this leads.

Hmm, I remember this but I don't remember how you're supposed to know where to go. I guess we'll go with Gannon Keep because Zelda.

Well...that happened. We've been raped by a troll woman. Thanks game. MY GOD THEY'RE RAPING THEM, AND THEN THEY'RE GOING TO RAPE ME!

I should note that MY GOD A HOLL was flashing black and red, so I had to time my screen cap press when it was red so you could see anything.

 

[vivisectvi]

Holy fuck this brings back memories.

 

[Smues]

One would assume this is not the same old man I fought earlier, since he's dead. I suppose we should help him. Helping the geriatric costs one forest fight but nets some minor exp and +1 charm. Getting charm is random and sometimes rare so it's good to get it when you can, as it'll help fuck a girl later. I'm not joking.

I suppose at this point I should note I'm just doing fight after fight to get exp and gold, and just stopping to screen cap encounters I haven't posted yet, so we're going to eventually go pretty quickly from low level to high. As far as I know all the encounters are the same for most of the levels, with I think the exception being something with the dragon at level 12, though I don't really remember.

So I got the save me thing again and picked Ganon again. What shall we find this time?

Sp I slaughtered a bunch of people and a king, and didn't even get laid out of the deal. But at least there was no troll rape! BTW, troll rape leaves you with low HP. Anyway, I got my second trip to the Black Knights castle. As far as I ever knew it's just a completely random 50/50 toss up, so I'm going to just pick guilty everytime going forward, but for fun let's go with release him this time.

D'oh. Note how when you are correct that's all they say, but when you're wrong they have to tell you just how wrong you are. Assholes.
"That man raped 6 women. And you defend him?"
Hey don't blame me, I told you I'm registered as a Republican.

 

[Smues]

Oh this fucking dwarf. You can play blackjack if you want to try and make money, but I find it easier just to kill shit. And I'm usually just spaming 'f' (look for a forest fight) and 'a' (attack) so I always end up accepting his game and having to wait for it to load and play a hand before I can get back to killing shit.

OMG! Only the best graphics for a 2400 baud modem. Take that console gamers and your blast processing and your mode 7 bullshit!

Man life ALWAYS hits me with the ugly stick, did I really need a game to do it as well? So yeah it's rare enough to increase your charm, why not just randomly lose it as well?

At first I thought I had wasted a gem but then I realize you get +1 max HP out of the deal, so I'll take it.

I like how the game has to tell you this event is creepy. "Commence feeling nervous and awkward...now!"

I am so scared guys I should just run away. But I'll man up and see what's in there, though if I get troll raped I'm done.

Well I could use three points from the field goal, but let's try and be nice (though that doesn't seem to be rewarded in this game) and just ask who she is.

"You sure ain't now." "Can I touch your stump?" Man you're sure a fucking asshole in this game. And then you leave, well that was productive.

 

[2GOLD]

I think your character is Ash Williams or something. You sure you aren't equipped with a chainsaw on your hand?

 

[Smues]

Game would probably be easier if I did.

 

[Smues]

A quick trip to town to get a better weapon and new armor.

That's all the choices in the game, and weapons tend to be a lot stronger than armor, so I usually try to save for better armor and upgrade that as soon as possible while lagging on weapons. If they can't hit you it doesn't matter how long it takes to kill them.

Back to a SPOOKY event or whatever it was called.

Oh, so that's why we had that long scene with the talking head before. Let's get inside her head. GET IT BECAUSE SHE IS LITERALLY JUST A HEAD! O RLY OMG MY MIND IS BLOWN OH SHIT.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOO that's how you know where to go. I did not remember that at all.

We could be sleeping in the flowers. We could sleep all afternoon. You'd proclaim that you're an island. I'd proclaim that I'm one too.

Anyway next I got the letter to go find the girl again, so let's go to Fortress Liddux and see what happens when you're not getting raped by trolls or murdering innocents.

So all of that, had to find the head lady twice and then get the save the girl event again, just for 20 experience, 3 gems, and ONE MINUTE of sex? If that's all Peach gave Mario he'd have left her with Bowser long ago. But hey I found Olivia the head again, maybe she'll make me feel better.

Maybe not. So now our hero can add sexual assault to his list of heinous crimes next to just overall being a dick and regicide.

 

[vivisectvi]

I really love this Smues.. Would love to see it re-purposed as something for the site? Maybe like a however-many-parter LP?

 

[2GOLD]

Smues plays enough bad games, we might fry his mind. But honestly, seems like it would be one hell of a ride.

 

[Smues]

Also yes, I am posting this on the board and not the website. I may do a Let's Play with ourselves for the site at some point, but this one doesn't really fit there.

 

[DrVenkman PhD]

Your first two columns were about old Sierra games. This seems like the perfect fit.

 

[vivisectvi]

=(

 

[Smues]

So after getting another location from the head (Olivia, not MTV's The Head, I miss that show) it was time for another 1 minute of sex, or so I thought.

400% longer, he must have taken a blue pill. So not only do you get combat experience to get stronger from slaying monsters, you get sexual experience to go longer from slaying pussy. Consistency, I like it! Also pussy, that too.

Oh yeah this place. You can randomly stumble upon it, and you can get a horse that'll take you to it anytime you want. Really the only thing to do there is gamble and write shit for other players to read, so I never bother doing anything but leaving.

After many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many many *smacks self in the head* many fights and upgrading gear again it's time to go level up a few times. To do so you go to the trainer in town and they'll either tell you how much exp you need to progress, or let you know it's time. You get one shot per day at the trainer of your current level. If you lose you don't die but you can't try again until the next day. MORPHIN TRAININ' TIME!

Sure my muscles are bigger from all those fights, but I've only fucked the captured maiden twice so I hope we don't have to compare dicks next. Regardless I whooped his ass (WITH MY SWORD ONLY MY SWORD) as well as the next guy or two and progressed a couple of levels. You get more HP and strength and defense when you level up, and the monsters in the forest get harder, but that's about it. There aren't any new encounters that are level specific as far as I ever saw, so it would get boring fast if you weren't limited to 15-30 fights a day. Since I'm not limited to 15-30 fights per day let me tell you it got boring pretty quick.

PRETTY STICK YEAH BABY. It's completely random like everything else, but the pretty stick is the fastest way to raise charm, as all other ways only up it by 1 I think. STICK IT TO ME!

 

[Smues]

I'm a black owl!
Silence you black narwhal!
...I don't know.

 

[Smues]

Ah yes the fairies. I don't know why this is labeled an EXTRA SPECIAL EVENT as it seems to happen quite often, but maybe it's because the rewards are good.

You have the choice of trying to catch one or asking for a blessing. Try to catch it and you might fail and get nothing, but if you get it then it goes in your pocket and it's like having a fairy in a bottle in a Zelda game. Die, and the fairy saves your ass. (and the rest of you.

Or if you don't like the rest of getting nothing just ask for a blessing and you get various things like extra forest fights, gems, exp, etc.
I want to be like Link so let's catch one!

I grabbed a fairy! I am so gay lucky!

Please Hammer, don't stone'em!

More senseless murder. I'm such a hero.

Seize the bone! I don't know what I'm supposed to be fighting but I like to imagine it's just a random bone on the ground, that isn't moving because it's a fucking bone.

So is this Mosh or Trasher? And would whichever one it isn't be the Headbanger of the East? And can I find them at a ball? So many questions unanswered in this game.

We're up to 17 minutes! I am so going to pwn at the red dragon prom.

 

[Smues]

No might have meant no last time but you sexually assault someone enough and they learn to like it. No means yes.

George George George of the Jungle strong as he can be. AWWWWWWWWWWHHHHWHHHHAAAAHHHHHH WATCH OUT FOR THAT...oh wait he missed. Back to the jungle with you.

We're up to 27 minutes, I'm turning into quite the bed breaker.

A quick look at my stats, or, is that a fairy in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

DO I WANT TO MESS AROUND? Have you seen the way my character acts, you're lucky he even pauses to let you ask that question instead of just grabbing you and shoving you into his crotch.

Might want to see a doctor about that.

Oh shit. Whoever knew a fairy would be such a cock block. Does this happen to Link and Zelda? That was quite the depressing ending but fear not, because:

No unpleasant buzzing here! 34 minutes! And she gives a shitton of gems now too. Though it does puzzle me that the fairy gets pissed and leaves when you get head, but half an hour of sex is fine and dandy. Maybe it just likes to watch but oral isn't her thing?

 

[Smues]

The game gets boring quickly when you can play all you want at once and not have limited fights per day. Let's go see if I can train again.

Damn still have a ways to...Aladdin? He better not expect me to rub his magic lamp or go on a MAGIC CARPET RIDE A WHOLE NEW WORLLDDDDDDDDDD.

Now I have full body armor, as opposed to all of my previous armors which didn't cover everything? Maybe it left the crotch open for all that rapey sex.

So we should probably briefly discuss the inn. There are a variety of things to do here. On a board with multiple player you would want to stay here when you are done (for a fee) to make it harder for players to kill you while you're gone. The bartender also will increase your stats for 2 gems each, so I spend all my gems on defense every time I stop by the inn. And then there's Violet the Barmaid and Seth the Bard. You can flirt with Violet for EXP and listen to Seth sing for random bonuses. I think women can flirt with Seth. Let's go check out the wench first shall we?

The more charm you have the higher actions you can do. My memory says it takes 50 to bang her and 100 to marry her, but I think you still have to have done all the previous actions and work your way up the ladder.

Wow I guess not. I literally grabbed a woman who had never seen me before and carried her to a bed and fucked her without her consent. We have a little four letter word for that in modern times.

COOL

Let's try that again.

Go to fast? I picked her up and fucked her before she had a chance to say hello. I wouldn't worry about that. I don't remember completely, but from the wording above I think if I didn't have enough charm you would still pick her up and throw her on the bed and then get turned down. Legend of the Red Cave Man. But anyway after getting your dick wet it's time to go relax with a song by the bard.

Well yeah, a couple of minutes ago on the bed. HEYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Wait, I hope that doesn't mean Violet is pregnant.

But what the game means is actually I got the best reward you can get from the bard, and the gold in my bank account doubled. You can also get exp or more forest fight or who knows what else, but doubling your bank gold is easily the best. It's a god send when you're trying to buy the 400,000,000 armor and weapon.

 

[Baby Shoes]

Way to go mystifying the drunks!

 

[Smues]

That line always makes me laugh. With as much sex as there apparently is happening just randomly out in the forest, I like to imagine the towns being really civilized and sheltered and that the poor drunks really don't know what happened. God help them if that half troll thing finds them.

 

[Smues]

Have I mentioned yet what a dick you are in this game? Yes? Well tough shit I like to repeat myself.

I like to repeat myself.

I like to repeat myself.

So anyway after the fairy in the pants incident the next several times I ran into Olivia she was made when I rape kissed her, so apparently that resets your relationship with her and I had to start all over just talking to her several times and then kissing a few more before I finally get a chance for love. Well surely this will be romantic right?

Oh.

54 minutes! If he goes much longer he'll probably complain about getting bored and call her a boring bitch. Then stab her, just because.

Random stat update I screened cap for some reason that I don't remember!

So I missed some text here, but when you're near death and have a horse it can jump in the way and take the blow, and then you kill the opponent and move on. Normally, somehow this time the horse died, the sweet looking little girl who I am surprised we didn't try to fuck died, and I still died. SONS OF BITCHES.

I need to go to bed, but DO NOT LOSE HEART, you can continue your struggle reading this crap tomorrow! (when hopefully I finish this up)

 

[2GOLD]

Little girls and half trolls just seem to overpower our brave warrior.

 

[Smues]

An hour OF POWER! Given that it's a new day we can go back to the bar slut. My memory says you need 100 charm to marry her, let's see if my memory is correct.

As I only had 90 or so charm I would say I had that one! At least the confused drunks got their revenge.

Ok seriously now it's just getting boring. But the girl still seems to like it as the number of gems is just getting ridiculous, and I'm not complaining as I keep turning them into defense.

So time passes and I grind and I grind and I grind and I grind and I grind and I grind and I grind and finally we're ready to go for max level.

Who is the man? VADER SMUES! That's who! Now at level 12 I can go after the dragon at anytime, but you only get one chance per day.

Red Dragon, we comin for you nigga!

 

[Smues]

First up let's go propose to Violet again, because all that free sex is...bad?

Now get in the kitchen. Let's see who replaces her at the inn, or if she stays and anyone can bang your wife.

LOL SHE'S FAT OMG.

Alright we're ready for some dragoning. But first let's skip to the next day to see what happens with our new wife.

OH YOU FUCKING BITCH. I expect sex and clean dishes, is that too much to ask? Now I'm in a rage like Verne Gagne. That dragon is going the fuck down, then I'm coming back for Violet like I'm a half troll man in a castle.

 

[Spaceman Spiff]

On the bright side, you can freely mack on Grizelda.

Also, Erdrick's Armor! How many other RPGs does Erdrick show up in (besides DW/DQ)? I know there's a tombstone in a town in one of the FF games that says something like "Here Lies Erdrick".

 

[Smues]

I think that's in Final Fantasy 1. And then in the re-releases since Square had merged with Enix they changed it to here lies Link.

 

[vivisectvi]

Oh, apparently there is an open source web version of this called Legend of the Green Dragon: http://www.lotgd.net/home.php?