Jonathan Dehn
WWE Monday Night Raw
11/25/2013
Long Island, New York
-Randy Orton, HHH, and Stephanie bore everyone in the arena for a while, causing the fans to chant for Daniel Bryan. Orton shows some passion in saying that he’s terrific. John Cena interrupts, because that’s just who the fans want in this situation. Cena kinda acknowledges the fan’s unrest (he actually just puts over The Authority) and still wanting Bryan, but talks title unification, instead. Is there a reason that we couldn’t just get Cena and Bryan facing off again? Orton doesn’t like the idea, so HHH buries him and tells him to grow up. Yeah, HHH would never duck such a match. Anyways, Orton and Cena face off in a TLC match at the next PPV to unify the titles. That’ll be great for Cena’s broken body.
The Shield vs. Cody Rhodes, Goldust and Rey Mysterio
The Shield are quick to attack at the start, leaving Goldust with Dean Ambrose. Dean keeps control and brings in Rollins, who keeps up the pressure on Goldust as we go to break. We’re back with Goldust fighting back on Ambrose, but a knee brings in Reigns. Goldust gets a double DDT on the two and tags in Mysterio for a ‘rana on Rollins. Rey presses Rollins down and flings him into the ropes. Rollins gets out of the way of the 619 and the two collide in the middle.
Cody and Ambrose enter. Cody gets the springboard dropkick and corner sunset slip for two. This leads to the Alabama Slam for two. Reigns breaks it up, but is dumped by Mysterio. Reigns returns and spears the hell out of both Rey and Goldust. Cody goes for the Cross Rhodes on Rollins, but Ambrose latches on and hits the headlock driver for the win.
Final Thoughts: **1/2. They’re really putting over the spear right now, which is cool.
-The Miz comes out with Miz TV and introduces guest host Michael Strahan. However, Titus steps out onto the stage and walks down with a fake gap in his teeth. I guess that Titus is a heel. Miz makes fun of Strahan’s gap and how it’s bigger than the gap between the Giants and the playoffs. Titus puts over Titus, before the actual Strahan comes out to interrupt. Strahan makes fun of The Miz and Titus a bit, with the latter nearly cracking Michael up. Strahan makes a match for the main event between Orton/Del Rio and Big Show/Cena. The Miz and Strahan get into it a bit, with The Miz challenging Strahan to give him a hiptoss. Strahan kind of exposes the business in not taking the hiptoss. Strahan hiptosses The Miz and he and Titus dance for a bit, but Titus gets a hiptoss. Okay then.
Curtis Axel and Ryback vs. Big E Langston and Mark Henry
Axel gets some strikes to begin, but Big E takes him into the corner and gives him a backbreaker. Ryback enters and gives Big E a spinebuster and a big splash. Ryback presses Big E for two. Axel pops back in for some punches and brings back Ryback. Big E fights out of the chinlock and gets a belly to belly. In comes Henry and Axel. Henry bulldozes him and gives him some JYD headbutts. Henry gets a running powerslam. Big E dumps Ryback and Henry hits the WSS for the win.
Final Thoughts: Michael Strahan squashed this match quite a bit. I like Henry mentoring Big E a bit here, psyching him up after the match.
Jojo, Brie Bella, Nikki Bella, Natalya, Eva Marie, Naomi and Cameron vs. AJ Lee, Tamina, Aksana, Rosa Mendes, Kaitlyn, Summer Rae and Alicia Fox
In case you missed the classic last night, here’s the encore. This will be in slobber knocker mode from the video games, no doubt. Brie spanks Aksana and facebusts her to be eliminated. Nikki eliminates Rosa. Tamina superkicks and eliminates Naomi. Tamina eliminates Cameron with a Samoan drop. JoJo eliminates Tamina after help from Nattie. Alicia eliminates JoJo with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Eva Marie eliminates Alicia Fox while exposing the business. Kaitlyn taps to the Sharpshooter. AJ rolls up Natalya. Brie eliminates AJ with a facebuster. Man, this is just like the match last night. That’s a great way to reward fans. After an extended sequence of nothing, Nikki pins Summer with a backbreaker.
Final Thoughts: For some strange reason, they said “twerk” approximately ten times in this segment. Man, the future sucks.
Hamptons Hardcore Match – Damien Sandow vs. Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler panders nicely with a John Tavares sweater. This was a WWE App vote match. Damien comes out with an iron, but Ziggler dropkicks him. Sandow stops Ziggler from using a golf club and beats him down. He disgraces the Islanders sweater. Sandow goes into the barricade and clotheslines into the timekeeper’s area. Sandow hits Dolph with a microphone. Sandow gets a clothesline from the barricade but gets dropkicked with a trashcan over his head. We hit a break.
Sandow is in control as we return, plunder everywhere. Dolph hits a neckbreaker atop some garbage. Dolph grabs an oar, but Sandow breaks it up and hits some knees. Sandow places the Islanders jersey over Ziggler and hits The Elbow of Disdain. Cute. Outside, Dolph uses a fire extinguisher. Back in, Dolph gets ten punches in the corner and a neckbreaker. Dolph uses an oar and hits the Fameasser for two. Sandow answers with a trashcan on the outside and puts Dolph into the stairs. Back in, again, Sandow tries to use a tennis racket, but gets DDT’d onto a chair for two. Dolph misses the corner splash and gets an oar broken over his back. Damien wins with You’re Welcome into a trashcan. Fun.
Final Thoughts: This is fun at **1/2, but unnecessary, with both guys rolling in plunder before being future endeavored.
-Backstage, Strahan talks with Santino but meets Erick Rowan, who offers him a sheep mask. Strahan puts it on and is now a member of The Wyatt Family….oh yeah, The Wyatt Family were involved in a comedy skit with Santino. Bad writers! Bad! You’ve lost your beef wrap privileges.
The Beard and The Best vs. The Wyatt Family
Man, maybe this should have been the match last night. Before the match, Punk and Bryan stand in the ring with microphones and have something of an interview with Renee Young, who has her own microphone and doesn’t say a word. Punk notes how silly this is and then goes off on a tangent that is brilliant is justly deserves the microphone drop that he gives at the very end. Also, he plants the seeds to change the name of their team to GOAT. You can do the math. Bryan sets Punk up to declare it to be clobbering time, indeed.
We start the match with Punk and Rowan. Punk tried to chop him down, but Rowan has none of it. Punk fights out of a slam and chops at the knee. Bryan enters and kicks at Rowan. The crowd is charged up, but Bryan eats a back elbow. Harper enters and slugs away. Bryan flips out and hits the clothesline. Punk returns and fails on a snapmare attempt. Chick Magnet gets a boot up in the corner and hits some shoulder thrusts in the corner to bring back Bryan, who hits a legwhip. Bryan eats some uppercuts and in comes Wyatt for a right hand. Wyatt gets a headbutt and a second. Rowan comes back for a stomp. Bryan takes a hard scoop slam, but dodges a corner boot.
Punk springs in with a clothesline, and takes down Rowan with a leg lariat and smashes him with a knee. Punk hits a dive against the barricade. Back inside, Punk gets a neckbreaker and follows with an elbow from the top. Punk is distracted and gets tossed from the ring by Rowan. We hit a break.
We return with Punk being worn down by Rowan. Bray comes back in with a scoop slam. Harper returns with the Gator Roll while the fans chant his chant. Punk fights out of a chinlock, but gets an uppercut. Rowan reenters with a man sized bearhug. Punk rolls out, but Rowan grasps him. Punk kicks him in the head and it’s time for Bryan to go into beast mode, taking out everyone and getting the dropkick and kip up. Harper goes for the powerbomb out of the buzzsaw, but Bryan grows wise with a hurricanrana. Bryan goes for the Yes! Lock, but Rowan breaks it up. Rowan and Harper eat dropkicks, but Harper hits the Michinoku Driver out of the corner. Punk breaks up the count, but The Wyatt Family storm the ring and cause the DQ.
Harper clotheslines the hell out of Punk, and Rowan looks to drag Bryan to the back. Punk goes out in pursuit, but Reigns spears Punk before he can help. The Shield hit the triple powerbomb to leave Punk lying.
Final Thoughts: I’d venture to guess that this was better than the Survivor Series match from last night. ***1/2. Great fun, and now I wonder just where we’re going after Bryan is taken to the back, and Punk being left for dead by Stephanie and HHH’s goons. Here we go…I hope.
-The Miz chats with the costar of his shitty movie.
Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz
Man, it’s a shame that this is another match from last night. I couldn’t care less…but they both start with the fake handshake spot and slap each other in the face to start. I RESPECT THEM! They lockup. They battle for a bit over headlocks, arm drags, and hiptosses. There’s your stalemate. Miz gets a snapmare, but is clotheslined out. Kofi grabs a front facelock. Miz gets a boot in the corner after catching Kofi. Miz grabs a chinlock. Kofi flips out of a suplex and dodges a corner charge. He makes with the babyface comeback and hits The Boom Drop. The crowd is toast, which is understandable.
Miz goes for the figure four after catching the TIP, but that gets reverses into an SOS. Kofi gets that boot up in the corner. I hate that spot, sadly enough. Kofi gets two from a crossbody, but Miz rolls through for the win.
Final Thoughts: *1/2, this was fine, but heatless and it just doesn’t really seem to matter.
-Mick Foley is here to sell us some merchandise from the table. He morphs into Dude Love for us. Then, we get Mankind…complete with replica mask. It’s still so nice to see some Mankind. This ruled.
-R-Truth is in the ring in street gear to introduce Xavier Woods with The Funkadactyls, courtesy of Brodus Clay. All is right in the world.
Xavier Woods w/Funadactyls vs. Heath Slater w/3MB
They battle over wristlocks to start. Slater fights back in the corner. Woods fights back and gets a head scissors. Woods gets a big chop. Slater catches him in the corner and gets snake eyes. Heath stomps and goes to a chinlock. Woods battles out, but takes a leg lariat for two. X battles back with some jabs and a headbutt. Woods hits the rolling clothesline and gets the boot to the face for the win.
Final Thoughts: Heath takes a nice squash, and they give Woods a chance with some dancers and new theme music for the time being.
-Backstage, The Total Divas flirt with Strahan. Strahan is armed with a natural charisma and way with the women. Eva is certainly acting as Jessica Rabbit. However, her heavy makeup makes her look like a zombie. Goldust steps up to win the segment with Strahan.
-Strahan and Cena play grab ass.
Randy Orton and Alberto Del Rio vs. The Big Show and John Cena
Big Show and Del Rio begin. I’m reminded of their feud now. Big Show beats away in the corner. Del Rio fights back after the chop, but takes a shoulderblock. Del Rio dodges a chop and stomps away. He scurries away in brings in Orton to take some punishment. Orton makes a Popeye face after taking another chop. Big Show drops an elbow for two. We hit a break with Big Show in control.
We return with Cena in deep, deep trouble, but not really. Del Rio beats him down. Some of the crowd chants for Daniel Bryan again, the poor souls. They also chant for CM Punk. You know, their favorites. Cena fight back, but takes a corner enzuigiri for two. Orton tags in for some European uppercuts. There has never been heat for Cena and Orton in recent years, but that’s what we’re given. Chinlock for Orton on Cena. Cena fights back, and teases an AA on Del Rio, but takes a DDT for two. Del Rio misses that press into the ropes and takes his painful looking spill.
Big Show is tagged in and takes it to Del Rio with clotheslines and a BACK body drop. Show misses a corner charge and gets the knee dropkicked. Del Rio kicks him in the head, and Big Show is lost, following the punt from last night. This is good acting. Big Show is lost. Orton tags in and stomps away. Del Rio is brought back in and kicks Big Show in the head once more. Big Show even tries to tag in Orton. Randy returns and drops the knee on Big Show’s head. The doctor hops into the ring and checks on Big Show.
Big Shows says that he’s okay, but eats a DDT shortly thereafter. That’s bad medical practice right there. Big Show gets the dick spear and looks for the tag. John hops in and does what he does. Del Rio breaks up the fist drop with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Cena rolls through on the cross armbreaker and QUICKLY makes Del Rio tap to the STF. Cena checks on Big Show, but Del Rio attacks from behind. D
Del Rio fails on the cross armbreaker and gets the AA back to the midcard. Orton hits Cena with a title and brings both back into the ring. He raises both of them in victory. Someone told me that I would find this angle amusing. What were they huffing? And yeah, this match is apparently eleven years in the making. NO ONE CARES ABOUT THIS BULLSHIT.
Final Thoughts: **. It’s fine. Good acting from Big Show. Good luck feuding with Big E Langston, Alberto.
–Spoiler alert: Both Orton and Cena grab a belt at TLC and we won’t have a unified champion. Let the bullshit simmer.
