Sage Cortez
As stated previously, I was going to cut back to this show. The first Saturday Night’s Main Event was undoubtedly a success. It did a big 8.8 rating, and helped introduce the WWF product to a national audience with big matches the likes of which would only previously have happened on house shows. There’s no celebrity hook for this show, so the WWF is going to resort to…a wedding. I’d be lying if I said I was looking forward to that.
– Taped to Air on October 5th, 1985, from East Rutherford, New Jersey
Our announcers for this show are once again, Vince McMahon and Jesse Ventura. At the absolute beginning of the show we open up with a Nikolai Volkoff promo. He does a pretty good ‘can’t speak English’ gimmick. Hogan then cuts one of his own, which he nearly fumbles a couple times. He gets better at this as time goes on. After those, Uncle Elmer and Hillbilly Jim have an interview that gets interrupted by Roddy Piper. McMahon hypes the matches to the crowd after the musical intro, Ventura completely BURIES the wedding, and here we go.
Nikolai Volkoff (w/Freddie Blassie) vs. Hulk Hogan for the WWF Championship in a FLAG MATCH
Pre-Match Thoughts: The workrate in this match can only be very low, to be honest. Best case is that it’s so bad that it’s good. As described in my other articles, Volkoff was doing a house show run with Sheik as his tag team partner, and Hogan is working with an assortment of guys on the circuit. They didn’t take this match around the horn after. So this is very much “made for TV.” Volkoff gets great heat, and I’m pretty sure this is before they started destroying these TV shows by adding in all kinds of canned noise. Hogan gets another chance to cut a promo. I cracked up at Hogan’s entrance to “The Battle Hymn of the Republic”. He’s gotta take this dirty commie down brother.
Match Review: Volkoff attacks Hogan at the start, and rips Hogan’s shirt off to choke him with it, which gets him quite a bit of heat. Hogan fights back to ram Volkoff into the turnbuckle, then throws him into another turnbuckle and follows up with a clothesline. Hogan clotheslines Volkoff once again, and follows up with an elbow drop. Hogan nails Volkoff with a big boot that for some reason knocks Volkoff over the top rope, which is where Volkoff turns the tide and rams Hogan into the ring post. Volkoff lands an axehandle from the second rope on Hogan’s back, and gives the champion a big backbreaker, for a 2 count. Volkoff goes for a piledriver, and Hogan reverses it into…a backdrop! Volkoff slams Hogan, and tries to cover him, but OH SHIT. Hogan channels the strength of a REAL AMERICAN, NO SELLS EVERYTHING, LEGDROPS Volkoff after he misses a charge to the corner, and THAT’S A PINFALL WIN FOR HOGAN, BROTHER. 5:17 the time.
After the match, Hogan SHINES HIS SHOES WITH THAT COMMIE FLAG, AND SPITS ON IT RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING. Then, post-commercial, he cuts a third promo. BROTHER. BROTHER. WEDDING, BROTHER.
My Thoughts: Bullshit, that wasn’t a flag match! In a flag match you’re supposed to capture the flag! Besides the misleading aspect of the stipulation, it was fine. Wasn’t long enough to be bad thankfully. Good way to keep the limitations of both men confined to something that would look right for television. *.
Uncle Elmer (w/Hillbilly Jim and Cousin Junior) vs. Jerry Valiant
Pre-Match Thoughts: This whole situation is so absurd, and that’s no surprise when it comes to the stupidest stable that I know of.
Match Review: It’s HILARIOUS listening to Jesse rip these guys on commentary. Elmer bodyslams Valiant at the start, and it’s a pinfall victory for the fat man at 12 seconds. Then the three hillbillies dance. The promo after the match is so annoying, it legitimately disgusts me.
My Thoughts: They were going for “the fastest match ever” type stuff, but it wasn’t that. Elmer spent too much time fucking around before the match for it to be that. No rating.
THE BODY SHOP
Jesse’s guest is Bobby Heenan. Heenan is talking about Orndorff, and while doing so, it appears that if Jesse is reading from a script. The bounty on Orndorff has been raised to 50,000 dollars. I don’t think anybody collects the bounty, but I’ll strive to find out whether or not there’s any payoff. Orndorff talks about it with Mean Gene, and says “nobody’s man enough to collect the bounty.”
Paul Orndorff vs. “Rowdy” Roddy Piper
Pre-Match Thoughts: So, this is before the big cage match that was in my opinion, as close as it got to a blowoff between Orndorff and Piper. Both guys were such good acts that there was no reason for either of them to do jobs around the circuit. So they’d just transition them to something else. Piper cuts a great promo beforehand.
Match Review: Both guys got HUGE reactions. Heenan walks to the ring with his briefcase full of money, and the match starts with Piper and Orndorff slugging it out. Into the turnbuckle Piper goes, but he comes out with a quick clothesline. He repeatedly rams Orndorff’s head into the canvas, and they trade punches once again. This time Orndorff gets the better of them. Piper DDT’s Orndorff, and puts the boots to him. There’s a fight in the crowd that everyone watches, and the two competitors summarily head to the outside. Piper hits Orndorff with a chair, they ram each other into a table, and Orndorff throws the chair into the ring. Orndorff lands an elbow from the top rope, and gives Piper a back suplex. Piper then pokes Orndorff in the eye, and knees him in the face. Piper and Orndorff collide in the middle of the ring, after which Piper goes for a big splash. It misses. Then Orndorff cross-bodies Piper over the top rope, and they brawl. I can see the finish coming from a mile away, and it’s going to be a double countout, the time of which is 4:01.
Orndorff and Piper fight their way to the back, the cameras follow, and Piper goes to hide in a dressing room. Orndorff tries to break down the door, but it’s locked and he cannot.
My Thoughts: Man, that was such a tease! I was hoping that it wouldn’t get cut off with that kind of finish, but it did. That was just getting going. Obviously they couldn’t/shouldn’t have had a TV blowoff, but the match served its purpose, which was to get people out to house shows. Just look at the attendances. It clearly did that. **.
The Wedding
Oh no, it’s time. Back from the commercial break, they have Mean Gene playing an organ (hopefully real) not very well. The bride walks to the ring and Jesse completely buries this whole thing. Elmer can’t speak clearly, so Jesse continues to laugh at him. According to him in later years, he was told by Vince to do so. This is a REAL wedding, and the outfits the wrestlers are wearing are totally absurd. After about three minutes of shtick, and it being time to speak now or forever hold your peace, PIPER APPEARS. HE OBJECTS TO THIS CARNY TRASH. He says that the wedding stinks and gets a better than decent face reaction for that. HAHA. The sanctity of marriage and all of that, what an institution in this great country. Piper goes to the back, they get married, and fortunately it’s over. The shot of their reception area is AWESOME. Farm animals everywhere!
Andre the Giant & Tony Atlas vs. King Kong Bundy & Big John Studd (w/Bobby Heenan)
Pre-Match Thoughts: Heenan and his two charges have an interview before the match, and I quickly understand why Bundy and Studd have mouthpieces. They speak too quickly to form coherent thoughts. The first thing that comes to mind when seeing this matchup is that there’s a better fit than Atlas in the role of Andre’s tag team partner. Unless they want that partner to do a clean job, then Junkyard Dog would have been better for it, I think. However, JYD was on their other house show loop, and headlining against Terry Funk. So it all makes sense in the end. Before the match, they show Andre getting attacked by his opponents in Toronto. I didn’t review that for a good reason, one which I will expand upon in the future.
Match Review: So it’s Andre starting with Bundy, and he chokes Bundy with the strap of his own singlet. He then squashes Bundy in the corner and chops him. He rams Bundy’s head into the head of Atlas, and you know, cause Atlas is black, he has a hard head. Bundy misses an elbowdrop on the very roided up Atlas, and heads over to Studd to tag him in. Atlas then headbutts Studd a few times, and goes for a bodyslam, which is just not going to happen. Atlas misses a dropkick, and gets elbowdropped by Studd. Studd tries to attack Andre, and gets headbutted, but simultaneously Bundy enters the ring and gives Atlas a big splash. Andre makes the not too hot tag, and confronts Studd in the ring. Andre works Studd over with some headbutts and chops, and lands a big boot to Studd’s face. Bundy enters the ring and attacks Andre from behind, and at the same time Atlas is slammed into the ring post by Studd. Bundy and Studd then double team Andre in the ring, and the referee awards the bout to Andre and Atlas via disqualification at 4:26.
Andre then takes a beatdown, until HULK HOGAN runs into the ring, and helps Andre to clear house. Atlas is like an afterthought in this. After the commercial, Hogan cuts a promo in the ring with Mean Gene.
My Thoughts: This was short, but not too bad. I dread watching any 15 minute match with 3 of these 4 guys, and I have one that I’ve lined up to watch. Bundy’s the only one who can do much of anything in the ring. The non-finish didn’t help matters, and fortunately it was brief, so *.
This very nicely transitions into something fun, with Mean Gene wearing a safari outfit and looking for George Steele at the zoo. They show some of Steele’s past skits, including electro-shock therapy. He associates the animals with other wrestlers, Gene steps in a pile of crap, and Steele runs into the bushes. Wow.
Lanny Poffo & Tony Garea vs. The Dream Team (w/Johnny V) for the wWF Tag Team Championships
Pre-Match Thoughts: Poffo’s fro and porn stache are RIDICULOUS. The champions cut a promo before the match, during which we see a clip of the title change. The US Express will be sitting at ringside, apparently.
Match Review: Valentine and Poffo start the match, and the crowd shots make the arena look very empty. Of course, this is the go-home match. The Hammer does his usual elbowing offense, and takes Poffo down with a headlock. Poffo bridges out, into a hammerlock. Nice eye patch that Windham is wearing, rocking that pirate gimmick well. Valentine slams Poffo, and tags in Beefcake. Poffo fights his way out of the corner, and gives Beefcake a hiptoss and dropkick. Poffo slams Beefcake, and does a MOONSAULT. A MOONSAULT. It gets a 2 count, as Valentine breaks it up. Beefcake then tags in Valentine, and they double team Poffo. After exchanging tags again, Beefcake slams Poffo, for a 2 count. Poffo makes the mild tag to Garea, who hiptosses Beefcake and dropkicks both champions. Garea does a crossbody for a 2 count, then takes Beefcake to the corner for some punches. He misses a charge to the corner, Valentine tags in, and drops the elbow on Garea. He puts on the figure-four, and Garea submits at 3:30. The heels do some heeling after the match, when they beat the challengers up a little more. But that’s it.
My Thoughts: Little match, bordering on squash material. Nothing wrong with it though. *1/2.
The Reception
The wedding reception starts now, and the most star-studded table is JESSE, ORNDORFF, HOGAN, and VINCE. Interesting combination of people there! Jesse is at his surly best, talking over everyone else. Albano and Poffo are eating with some hillbillies, and Poffo gets to do one of his POEMS on TV. THE POEM! Hillbilly Jim toasts the couple, and the non-wrestling guest is Tiny Tim. That’s going WAY back. He gives Elmer a ukelele, and some bluegrass band starts playing. Oh Christ, Elmer is going to sing. It’s easy to see how nervous he is, and that this isn’t entirely part of the business to him, so I’m not going to rip it at all. After the song, Jesse shows up, and reads something off a piece of paper. He acts like he’s going to say something nice, then HEEL TURN HE SAYS THAT THIS WEDDING IS WRONG. HE CALLS THEM HICKS. Orndorff and Hogan get pissed, Ventura runs away, and for the second SNME in a row, someone (this time Jesse) trips/is shoved into a cake! Vince is quick to advertise the tag team match for next month’s show, which is Andre & Hogan vs. Studd and Bundy. After that, we’re done.
Two shows, two parties that end up with somebody being shoved into a cake. The next one is a Halloween episode, so…I expect another party. The matches weren’t anything special, but the non-wrestling segments were better than the last SNME. Celebrity guests being kept to a minimum and all of that, it was an acceptable card. Nothing spectacular, and nothing mandatory, but okay. Considering that the show is to this point supposed to support the house show circuit, nothing more could be expected. It was a success.
Best: Paul Orndorff vs. Roddy Piper. Good brawl, low on the wrestling.
Worst: Uncle Elmer squash match. Did we really need to have that?
Card Rating: 5/10
