JHawk
Thank You, Fuck You, Bye!
The High Impact Wrestling Federation presents: The Super Bowl of Wrestling
Announcers: Lance Russell & Jesse Ventura
Backstage interviewer: Gene Okerlund
Referee: Dick Kroll
Ring announcer: Joe McHugh
1. Les Thornton vs. Bob Roop
A technical wrestling clinic, as two great pure wrestlers exchange holds back and forth until the bell rings to signify a 20-minute time limit draw.
2. Buddy Rose & Doug Somers vs. Hillbilly Jim & Uncle Elmer
Played primarily for comedy, notably Rose overselling like hell for Elmer’s offense. Finish comes at 4:53 when Jim misses a charge into the corner, which allows Somers a roll up (with the feet on the ropes for leverage) to the pin.
3. Matt Borne vs. Bill Dundee
I think this is the best match on paper. Both guys can work face or heel, serious or comedy, and I think I’m going with a serious Memphis-style brawl for this one. Finish comes after a ref bump with Borne preparing to use brass knuckles on Dundee, but Dundee kicks Borne, forcing him to drop the knucks. Dundee picks up the knucks, levels Borne with them and covers just as Kroll wakes up to score the pin at 12:05.
4. Bob Orton Jr. (w/Paul Orndorff) vs. George Wells
More of an angle than a match. Orton wins a squash at 4:35, then he and Orndorff double team Wells until Hulk Hogan makes the save. Commissioner Mr. T then comes out and says that to prevent Orton from interfering in the main event, he is appointing himself the special referee.
5. Brutus Beefcake vs. David Sammartino
David channels himself after his old man way too much. After an “accidental” kick to the groin, Sammartino unleashes an onslaught against Beefcake until Beefcake goes back into a corner. Referee Kroll tries to back Sammartino up, and David tosses him to the mat, getting himself disqualified at 11:44.
6. “Make You Humble” Submission Match: The Iron Sheik (w/Classy Freddie Blassie) vs. B. Brian Blair
The match 25 years in the making. Both men juice in a wild match, with Sheik getting the win with the Camel Clutch in 12:51. Sheik keeps the hold locked in for several minutes after the match, then grabs the house mic saying “I’ve broken your back and made you humble. Now I fuck your ass!” He actually does try to pull Blair’s trunks down before half the locker room rushes the ring to keep the show from getting rated X.
7. Fatal Four Way Match: S.D. Jones vs. Ted Arcidi vs. Frenchy Martin vs. Jim Powers
First match after intermission solely designed to get people back in their seats. Arcidi makes Jones submit to a bear hug in 9:00.
8. HIWF Women’s Tag Team Title: The Glamour Girls vs. The Jumping Bomb Angels©
Remember their great match at the first Royal Rumble show. This time they pick up the pace to work more of an AJW style match. Noriyo Tateno pins Judy Martin following a double missile dropkick in 13:53.
9. HIWF United States Heavyweight Title: The Junkyard Dog vs. Johnny Valentine©
Valentine tries to use his “Skull Buster” elbow early in the match and nearly breaks his arm on JYD’s hard head. With his best weapon gone, JYD dominates most of the match, but as he works Valentine into the corner, Valentine executes a double-leg takedown and uses the ropes for leverage for the pin at 6:53.
10. HIWF Women’s Title Three Way Dance: Kelly Kelly vs. Velvet McIntyre vs. Wendi Richter©
The match is mostly Velvet vs. Richter, with Richter playing subtle heel. Late in the match, Velvet dropkicks Kelly out of the ring, and Richter surprises Velvet with a roll up for the pin in 5:36.
11. HIWF World Tag Team Title: The Bolsheviks (w/Classy Freddie Blassie) vs. Mike Rotundo & Pvt. Terry Daniels©
Volkoff sings the Russian National Anthem prior to the match to incredible heel heat. Rotundo and Daniels waive American flags in the ring beforehand but get jumped from behind as they hand them to the attendants at ringside. The Russians focus on Rotundo for a good 6-8 minutes before Rotundo finally makes the hot tag. Daniels comes in on fire and sets Zhukov up for a piledriver, but Volkoff grabs Blassie’s cane and levels Daniels with it, then places Zhukov on top for the titles at 9:52.
12. HIWF World Heavyweight Title with special referee Mr. T: Paul Orndorff (w/Bob Orton Jr.) vs. Hulk Hogan©
A tremendous back and forth title match, with Orndorff getting several very close near falls. T calls the match down the middle until the very end. When Hogan does his comeback, he takes Orndorff down with the Big Boot, then hits the leg drop. Orton pulls Mr. T out of the ring at 2, and while they argue, Hogan turns around to question T on the missed count. Orndorff levels Hogan from behind, then hit’s the piledriver and covers. T is still arguing with Orton, and as Orndorff looks over, he sees T take down Orton with a right hand and get back to the ring. Orndorff berates Mr. T for attacking Orton and shoves him. In response, T takes down Orndorff with a head butt, and a revived Hogan immediately hits a second leg drop and gets the pin at 13:08.
