Jonathan Dehn
WWE Smackdown
05/16/2014
Greensboro, North Carolina
-John Cena is out at the beginning of the show to respond to Bray’s challenge for a Last Man Standing Match. But first, Cena wants to first wish Daniel Bryan a speedy recovery. Hey, that’s how a real babyface acts. We’re back to the grind with Cena getting into business about Wyatt’s charisma and aimless rambling. Cena puts over the rigors of this type of match, and says that Bray can’t hang in such a tough environment. John says that Bray is dangerous, but has no balls. Cena lists off different slang for testicles. “He got no pearls in his pants!” Cena sings, of course. Cena says that he’ll be the last man standing, and he feels frisky. Cena puts out an open challenge to The Wyatt Family. Bray pops up on the tron, and seems to say that this is rubber match of their feud. I don’t know, but Bray really lost some momentum in this thing after Extreme Rules. He calls Cena ignorant, and sings. No one sings with him. It’s time to move on from that.
The Rhodes Bros vs. The Usos
This is strange. Usually, when I do this in TEW, it’s because I’m lazy and turning someone from the losing team. Goldust and I think, Jey Uso. They exchange arm drags to begin. Goldust takes a shortcut, looking to work as a heel. Cody gets the blind tag and enters with a dropkick. Jimmy enters and hits a corner elbow for just one. Jey returns for some double-team elbows. Jimmy flies back in shortly after, and gets a chop in the corner. Cody gets the roll from the corner for two, but takes a right hand. Jey returns, but Cody rushes him into the corner. Goldy returns and drops a couple of elbows. Cody gets a cheap shot from the apron, and Jey is kicked down to the floor. Back inside, Goldust grabs a two count and bring back Cody as we go to break.
Back from break, The Rhodes Bros are in control. Goldust enters and puts Jey into the post for two. Goldy works the arm and we move towards the hot tag. Goldust cuts off Jey with a spinebuster for two. Cody flies in and works the arm. They trade, with Cody clobbering Jey and stomping away. He’s such a better heel. Cody throws on a short arm scissors. Jey finally fights back with his enzuigiri. Goldust comes in and quickly cuts off the hot tag. Jey gets the boot up and pulls down the top rope to send Goldust to the floor. Hot tag and Jimmy cleans house, of course. Jimmy gets the Samoan drop, and backs that ass up into the corner for two. Jimmy counters Cross Rhodes and hits a great European uppercut. Whisper In The Wind gets two, as Goldust breaks it up. Goldust gets superkicked from the apron after dumping Jey. The Disaster Kick gets two, and Cody is pulled out from the cover. Cody eats a superkick and the splash from the top for the win for the champions. It was frog-like.
After the match, Cody walks away from Goldust. Either break them up, or don’t.
Final Thoughts: **3/4. This was nice and solid stuff. Impressive was how well Goldust and Cody were able to change over to a more aggressive style without seemingly getting much in the way of heel heat. Cody was certainly working as a heel, but Goldust was just working smart. I’d rather they turn both Cody and Goldust, instead of breaking them up, as they work well either way.
El Torito vs. Heath Slater
Let’s get this over with. Heath gets horns in the ass to start. Los Matadores give him the sheet, and El Torito chases him around the ring. Then, Heath chases El Torito. Heath gets slapped down, but returns fire with a scoop slam and a muscle pose, which is actually pretty funny. Heath mocks Los Matadores because he’s such a terrific comedy heel. Heath nearly breaks his neck missing a corner splash. Hornswoggle runs in and accidently headbutts Heath in the balls. El Torito hits a moonsault for the win.
Final Thoughts: Thanks, Vince. After the match, JBL tells Slater to quit and perhaps change his identity after losing to El Torito twice in one week. I’d agree. Maybe Heath can be the new masked grappler that can move merch.
Nikki Bella vs. Natalya
Eva Marie is the special guest referee. I’m sure that I won’t even realize that Eva is there. I’ll just be honest and say that she was terrible at it instead of actually paying attention. Natalya goes into a leg lock, but Nikki fights off and gets a Thesz press. Nattie spanks Nikki and goes to a headlock. Natalya bridges out of a cover and hits a spinning clothesline for maybe one? Nikki hits a forearm, and they trade as this gets “personal”. Nattie goes face first into a knee for two. Nikki misses a corner clothesline and gets dragged out of the corner. Nattie goes to the surfboard. Nikki reverses into a pinning solution and I have to stop the DVR and put my hands to my face as the three of them botch the entire thing. JBL hits a high pitch in his voice while telling Eva to count. Nikki’s shoulders were sort of down, causing Eva to get lost. So, Nattie just lies there as Nikki changes the cover for the win. JBL and Cole snort and try to act like this is funny. Nikki wins whatever that was. Nattie is pissed and upset at Eva for not counting earlier on and making her look like shit.
Final Thoughts: They wonder why ratings are down. The “everything is fake except for what is happening right now, fans!” is something that WCW liked to use quite a bit while they were plummeting in the ratings and attendance numbers. Who thought it would be a good idea to have Eva Marie not just ref a match, but ref a match with a finish like that? I’m just mad at this and the broken universe where these matches take place. I don’t want a contrived reality show booking matches for my contrived wrestling show. I just want my contrived wrestling show to be my contrived wrestling show that I can immerse myself in like I’m watching a show that doesn’t get boned on TV deals because it has to gall to claim that they provide sports for the first time in decades and therefore DVR proof. I know, let’s just get Jeremy Piven to come back and try to ban The Miz from Summerfest!
-Renee Young (who will be poached by ESPN any day now) is backstage with Dolph Ziggler, whose hair grows quite fast. He’s due for a match with Batista after blasting him on Twitter. How about Dolph doesn’t use Twitter to challenge him, but instead a short backstage segment where he trashes him and threatens that he’s going to show up the old man and show that he’s a shell of his former self? This would be a fun match, regardless…if Batista didn’t pretty much squash him in March in the same type of situation. Since Twitter still isn’t making money and Wall Street is taking note that it isn’t changing the world, maybe WWE can back away. The only noteworthy thing about Twitter is being linked to the racist statements by the mouth-breathers that use it.
Dolph Ziggler vs. Batista
I miss Big Dave’s old theme and spotlight. I really like his beard, though. Batista stalks Dolph to begin, with Dolph frustrating with his quickness. Dolph keeps Batista from the ring. Dolph gets dragged outside and put into the barricade. Then, Dolph gets driven into the apron. And…into the steps. Batista breaks the count before rolling Dolph back in. Dolph gets tossed across the ring by his mane. Ziggler takes a hammer throw into the corner, and Batista follows with a suplex for two. Batista goes to a chinlock. Ziggler gets a boot up and goes for his DDT, but takes a spinebuster. Dolph fights out of the powerbomb and hits a DDT. Dolph dodges a corner charge and comes back in with a splash and punches. Batista hits a blatant low blow while there for a DQ. Yeah, he was really pushed to the limit here. We get our post match beat down. Batista hits the powerbomb and tosses Dolph outside. Ziggler goes HARD into the barricade. That’s nothing compared to the powerbomb he takes on it just a few seconds later.
Final Thoughts: Oddly enough, Dolph had more offense and looked better in his first match with Batista, who was then just removed from winning the Rumble. Still, Dolph did a terrific job taking these bumps and making Batista look very, very mean. But, with Bryan out for two months, it might be a good idea to push Ziggler just in case Bryan is out for a bit longer. Ziggler can get some sympathy heat and work from behind, himself.
Sheamus vs. Titus O’Neil
You can tell that Sheamus is ready for a heel turn, as his spiky hair is growing longer. It’s much like Eddie Guerrero and the size of his mullet determining his disposition. Titus cuts a decent promo on Sheamus before the match. The match lasts about two seconds before Sheamus hits a Brogue Kick.
Final Thoughts: That’s a terrific way to reward Titus.
-Byron Saxton or whatever interchangeable guy they have around finds Adam Rose on The Exotic Express. Byron joins the party after Adam says that he has no problem with Zebbie Colter and Jackie Swagger, save for their hatred of fun.
Damien “The Loose Cannon” Sandow vs. Santino
Santino has answered this open challenge of Sandow’s. Sandow is without a microphone as he waits while sitting on the top turnbuckle. He’s such a free spirit! Sandow clobbers away at first, but then runs into the post. He walks into The Cobra. Santino kind of dry humps Emma on the way back up the ramp. Sandow gets on the microphone after this and calls himself a good soldier. Sandow’s microphone is cut out once again.
Final Thoughts: Everything is fiction except for what we saw just now.
R-Truth vs. Cesaro
Paul Heyman is on the mic with R-Truth already in the ring. Paul says that Truth can’t handle the truth that being one of his guys is super prestigious. For instance, Brock Lesnar did something important at WrestleMania. Heyman puts over Cesaro before introducing. His theme still sucks, so I’ll just stop talking about it. Cesaro beats up Truth to start this thing, but Truth gets a roll up for one. Truth floats out of the corner and hits a leg lariat for just one. R-Truth hits a corner splash but then takes the MDK Uppercut. The Neutralizer finishes this up.
Final Thoughts: Who thought it was a good idea to flood the second hour of the show with three or four straight squash matches? Why not just mix it up and have some people team up for a tag team match. Hey, how about Truth and Dolph take on Cesaro and Batista. Maybe they could work something where Batista is impressed and we can speculate about Cesaro joining Evolution with Paul Heyman as a manager for the faction?
John Cena vs. ???
An open challenge isn’t much of an open challenge if you’re preparing for just three different people. I’d rather have Batista come out again with something to prove. Before we find out just who is facing John, he reminds the referee that it’s just one on one. How brave. Oh, it turns out that Cena has back up with The Usos. Everyone stands up for John Cena. Got it. We still don’t know who is facing Cena as we hit a commercial break. I would have rather Cena just shrug his shoulder and get ready to dig in, as opposed to him having this master plan. That way, The Usos can just come out because they’re the good guys.
We come back without the answer, as The Wyatt Family continues to discuss this. Oh, it’s Rowan. That sucks. Rowan clubs away in the corner to begin and runs Cena’s head into the buckle. Cena stumbles around for a bit, taking a back elbow and a scoop slam. Rowan tosses Cena from the ring. Rowan follows him outside and puts him into the stairs. Back inside, Rowan gets two and puts Cena’s head in a vise. John breaks out and hits a dropkick. Rowan retakes control with a big boot and pounds away. Rowan follows with a nice pumphandle backbreaker. On the apron, Cena pulls the throat against the rope, but runs into a clothesline for two. For a veteran, Cena sure is stupid in this match. Cena peppers with right hands, but then is beaten on a shoulderblock collision. Rowan misses a big splash and Cena leaps into a bearhug from Rowan. Rowan shifts Cena and turns it into a Bossman Slam for two.
Cena fights back with quickly and hits the slam and fist drop. Rowan escapes the AA and hits him with a fallaway slam. Rowan hits a corner clothesline and hits a running kick to Cena’s lower back. John trips Rowan up on a charge and gets the STF. Harper runs in but is taken care of by The Usos. Rowan uses a claw and shoves Cena down for two. AA finishes it. Bray Wyatt is cut off from the ring by Jimmy and Jey and there’s some glaring.
Final Thoughts: **. That was solid and followed the monster formula pretty well. This was forgettable, but some nice flashes from Rowan were here. Ho-hum.
–The opening bout of the show was the highlight, and then nothing happened for the next hour and fifteen minutes. In fact, parts of the show detailed just what is wrong with WWE right now. I’m feeling down on WWE right now, for reasons that everyone has been reading about. My worries are somewhat revealed in the complaining I did throughout this show. And this show didn’t have anything that I would recommend going out of the way for.
