Connor’s WrestleMania Retrospective: WrestleMania VII

Background: The Texas Tornado is Kerry Von Erich, one of the biggest stars of the ’80s outside of the WWF. Von Erich had spent years working as part of his father’s promotion, World Class Championship Wrestling. With that organization dying out, Von Erich jumped over to WWF to recapture the success he enjoyed in the mid ’80s. Things started out promising when Von Erich won the Intercontinental Championship at SummerSlam ’90 over Mr. Perfect but three months later, Perfect regained the belt and Von Erich has been trying to find his footing in WWF ever since. He’ll have a tough test tonight against “Canada’s Strongest Man” Dino Bravo. Tornado is making his WrestleMania debut and Bravo is 1-2.

Match:  Pretty morbid here but this is the first of two matches tonight where both wrestlers are dead! Bravo jumps Von Erich at the bell before he can get his ring robe off. Tornado makes the comeback and they slug it out in the corner.  Bravo cheap shots Tornado and hits him with a sideslam for two. Bravo goes off the top but whiffs and Von Erich finishes him with the claw and Tornado Punch at 3:10. 1/2*. Yuck.

We get a video package of the events leading up to our next match, Jake The Snake Vs Rick Martel in WWF’s very first blindfold match.

Background: The Model and The Snake’s feud began in late ’90 when Rick Martel sprayed his cologne he titled “Arrogance” in Jake The Snake’s eyes. Roberts’ was temporarily blinded from the attack and Martel gleefully mocked his predicament. To settle the score, the two set up a match where both combatants’ heads would be covered in blindfolds. Martel is 2-2 at Mania and Roberts is 2-2-1.

Match: Jake and Martel stumble around for a bit until Jake hits a fluke rollup for two. Jake points around the ring, points to Martel, the crowd cheers, Martel runs away. Lather, rinse, repeat. Martel gets a  slam on Jake but misses an elbow. Jake claps his hands to psyche out Martel. Jake tries a headlock but gets pulled out of the ring. Out on the floor, Martel grabs a chair but Jake manages to drag him back in. Martel gets a backbreaker then locks in the Boston Crab but Jake escapes and nails him with the DDT and finishes the match at 8:28. A lot of wrestling purists hate, HATE this match and consider it the worst WrestleMania match of all time but the match was what it was. It was boring but it accomplished exactly what it set out to do. Plus Heenan and Monsoon are gold on commentary during it. *

Marla Maples is backstage with The Nasty Boys to ask them about their win but she’s interrupted by Earthquake, Dino Bravo, and The Mountie who all dump champagne over The Nasty Boys’ heads.

We get a look at the event leading up to the unprecedented Career Vs Career match coming up next.

Background: During The Warrior’s as WWF World Champion, Savage constantly antagonized him and begged Warrior for a shot at the belt. When The Warrior gave a World title shot to Sgt. Slaughter at Royal Rumble ’91, Savage snapped and ended up costing The Warrior the match. Enraged at losing his World title, Warrior finally granted Savage a match at WrestleMania VII with stakes bigger than any title; the loser of the bout would have to retire. Randy Savage is 5-3 at WrestleMania while Warrior is 2-1.

Match:  Before the match, Bobby Heenan points out Miss Elizabeth sitting in the stands for this match with her date. Boy, the date wouldn’t turn out well with that guy. This, I believe is the debut of Macho King’s Space Cowboy look (colorful cowboy hat, long tights with streamers) but don’t quote me on that. Warrior slowly walks to the ring to conserve his energy. Heenan is baffled and wonders if it’s the same Ultimate Warrior. That comment probably helped start  all of those dumb “The Ultimate Warrior is dead and was replaced by a lookalike” rumors that ran rampant throughout the ’90s! Anyway, Warrior’s tights are awesome, he has an airbrushed cartoon of himself on one kneepad and a cartoon of Macho King on the other and the WWF World Championship belt airbrushed on the back with the caption “This match means more than this”. Goosebumps. This is a rare pro wrestling match with that sensational atmosphere of a great prize fight—and ironically, it’s not even the main event.

Savage gets a cheap shot to start and pounds on Warrior. Warrior puts him down with a shoulderblock and a clothesline. Warrior chokes Savage and hits him with two Atomic Drops. He tosses Savage into Sherri then pummels Savage to the mat. Macho gets tied in the ropes but gets free and clotheslines Warrior. Savage goes off the top but gets caught by Warrior but Warrior just sets him down to piss Savage off. This succeeds and Savage stalls and throws a chair in the ring then tries to jump Warrior but the Warrior knocks him down and stomps a mudhole in him. Warrior misses a charge and rolls to the floor allowing Sherri to get in a few shots. Savage hits the flying axe handle to Warrior on the floor. He shoves Warrior into the ring post. Sherri gets in another shot for good measure. They get back in the ring as Gorilla informs us this is the biggest audience in pay per view history (…sure). Savage hits a knee drop for two and Warrior gets a backslide for two. Warrior tries the flying shoulderblock but Savage dodges and gets a two count. Savage tries to get a sleeper but Warrior fights out of it. They crisscross and knock each other out with clotheslines. Savage goes for a slam but Warrior reverses it into a small package but Sherri has gotten on the apron and distracted the referee. Ref finally comes to his senses and Warrior gets a two. Ref gets knocked out and Sherri uses this to interfere in the match but she accidentally whacks Savage with her shoe. Warrior goes after her but this allows Savage to roll him up for a two count. Warrior pounds on Savage but Savage rams him into the turnbuckle. A slam by Savage gets two. Savage decides to stop messing around and hits the Flying Elbowdrop on The Warrior and then hits not one not two not three but FOUR more elbow drops on The Warrior. This somehow gets only a two. Warrior powers up and knocks Savage down with three clotheslines and hits The Warrior Splash but it only gets two. Warrior lets out a cry of despair. The Warrior steps outside of the ring to contemplate the future and talk to the heavens about what he should do. Savage jumps Warrior from behind and throws him into the guardrail. Savage goes for the axehandle onto Warrior’s throat (like he did to Ricky Steamboat so many years ago) but Warrior moves out of the way and Savage hits himself on the railing. Warrior has heard back from the Heavens and decides it’s not his time to leave the WWF (that call would come in five months…then again about fifteen months after that) and heads back to the ring. He spears Savage out of the ring. Back in, Warrior hits the Flying Shoulderblock and gets the three count at 20:45.  Savage’s career is over (for the next eight months or so, at least).

To rub salt in the wounds, Sherri kicks Savage after the match and screams at him for costing her her livelihood. Elizabeth can’t take anymore of this and gets out of her seat, jumps the guardrail, and finally gets physically involved for the first time and throws Sherri off of him. Savage finally comes to his senses and doesn’t know what’s going on. Savage almost attacks Elizabeth thinking she was the one who attacked him after the match but the referee informs him that it was Sherri who had assaulted him. Savage stares at Elizabeth (who is now weeping) and they finally reconcile and embrace. The audience goes bananas. Savage lifts Miss Elizabeth on his shoulders and carries her around the ring. He sets her down and they leave the ring, Elizabeth holds the ropes open for Savage but Savage stops her and for the first time, holds the ropes for Elizabeth, making up (at least somewhat) for the years of verbal abuse. The LA Sports Arena is electric for this moment. We see shots of various women (and a few men) in tears because they are so moved. Even the always cynical Bobby Heenan is touched momentarily (“This is better than Love Story! …Uh, if you like that kind of mush). Excuse me, it’s getting a bit dusty in here…mmph…

*sniff*

Ahem. *snort* *sniff* OK. mmph.

Regis Philbin interviews The Undertaker, who doesn’t respond to any of his questions and measures him for a burial suit.

The Big Bossman is with Mean Gene to talk about his match against WWF Intercontinental Champion Mr. Perfect. He says nobody messes with his Mama especially not a Weasel! At the end of the night, he says he will be champion!

Bobby Heenan and Mr. Perfect talk to Sean Mooney and talk about the recent Rodney King beating in Los Angeles. Hey, why bring up just one current event during the show when you can bring up two?

Mean Gene is in the stands of the Los Angeles Sports Arena. He interviews host of WrestleMania IV and V and WWE Hall of Famer Donald Trump. Mean Gene bypasses “The Fonz” Henry Winkler so he can talk to Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris does a good job of putting over the athleticism of professional wrestlers and drops a Professor Toru Tanaka reference. Mean Gene goes back to Henry Winkler, who is a big Hulk Hogan fan and is glad that The Ultimate Warrior got the ultimate win. Who knew The Fonz was such a mark?. Speaking of Hulk, we get the original Hulk, Lou Ferrigno who calls wrestlers real life superheroes which he should know since he played one on TV! Bobby Heenan makes fun of poor Lou’s speech impediment and Trump’s affair with Marla Maples.

Background: Jimmy Hart had turned on Greg Valentine after The Hammer’s lack of success in the past few years. This turned Valentine, a lifelong heel, into a babyface and with that newfound disposition, The Hammer went on a small win streak, with some notable wins over Dino Bravo. However, at WrestleMania VII, Hart would sique his biggest and baddest protege, Earthquake (who had just came out of a big feud with Hulk Hogan) on the former Intercontinental and Tag Team Champ. Valentine is 2-4 at WrestleMania while Earthquake is 1-0.

Match: Greg Valentine as a babyface was almost as out of place as  The Hammer as Honky Tonk Man’s greaser sidekick. Quake pounds Valentine into the corner and hits him with a powerslam. Greg fires back with an elbow. He fires away with punches and knocks Earthquake to his knees. Valentine connects with an elbow off the middle turnbuckle and knocks the Mighty Quake on his back. Valentine tries to go for the figure four leglock but Quake’s legs are too big. Jimmy Hart distracts Valentine and Earthquake puts him away with a big elbow and the Aftershock at 3:14. *. Earthquake goes for another Aftershock but Valentine rolls out of the ring to recover some dignity.

We see footage of Sgt. Slaughter and his manager General Adnan burning a Hulk Hogan t-shirt and his attacks on The Hulkster in recent weeks.

Sgt. Slaughter talks to Sean Mooney. He badmouths Pukeamania and says he will use any means to keep his title even if it means getting himself DQ’d or counted out.

Background: The Former Fabulous Rougeau, Jacques has transformed himself into a member of Canada’s first line of defense. Dubbing himself a bit uncreatively as The Mountie. He’s in the midst of a long winning streak under the new personae while his opponent former Intercontinental Champ Tito Santana is trying to end his longstanding WrestleMania losing streak. The Mountie is 0-2 at Mania and Tito Santana is 1-5

Match: Tito immediately hits the Flying Forearm on Mountie. He chases around Jimmy Hart for a bit then Atomic Drops Mountie. Jimmy Hart is back on the apron and Tito goes over to knock him off but Jimmy Hart shocks him with The Mountie’s cattle prod and The Mountie covers for the pin at 1:18. Lot of random, short, and arguably unnecessary matches tonight. Zero Stars.

Mean Gene is with Hulk Hogan, who is somewhat more subdued than usual. Hogan says he’s going to win the World Championship for the troops and show that Hulkamania is alive and well.

Howard Finkel introduces tonight’s special guest celebrities. Alex Trebek is our guest ring announcer, Marla Maples is our guest timekeeper and THE REEG is joining Gorilla and the Brian on commentary. OUTREGIS!

Background: One of the biggest stars of the early ’80s, Sgt. Slaughter returned to the WWF in auspicious fashion in the Summer of ’90. Once a proud spokesmen for the good ol’ US of A (and GI Joe pitchmen), Slaughter lambasted America for becoming soft and renounced his citizenship. In one of the most controversial (and some would argue, tasteless) angles in WWF history, Slaughter embraced Iraq and aligned himself with Iraqi General Adnan (who alleges that he was a friend and classmate of Saddam Hussein in high school). This was all during the height of Operation Desert Storm. Shockingly, Sgt. Slaughter beat The Ultimate Warrior and became Saddam Hussein’s WWF World Champion. Disgusted by this, The Real American, two time WWF World Champion Hulk Hogan challenged Sgt. Slaughter to a match at WrestleMania VII with the World Title at stake. Slaughter is making his WrestleMania debut while The Hulkster is 4-1-1 at WrestleMania.

Match: Hulk headlocks Sgt. Slaughter and boots Slaughter. Adnan distracts Hulk and Hulk gives chase which allows Slaughter to whack The Hulkster with a WrestleMania VII souvenir chair. Hulk no sells it. They head back in and Slaughter hits Hogan with punches in the corner, he puts Hogan down with an elbow but misses another elbow. The crowd is eating this up. I’d argue this show makes a good case for arenas being better than stadiums, crowd-wise for WrestleMania. In stadiums, the sound tends to drift up and dissipate where as in arenas, it’s all contained and get super loud. So a 16,000 person audience like this can actually sound louder than a 70,000 person one. But I doubt we’ll ever see a Mania in an arena again for monetary reasons. If WWE can sell 72,000 tickets every year, they’re going to do it.