Stephen Gray
As the radio has been informing me since just a bit before Halloween, we’re pretty deep into the most wonderful time of the year, and the December programming on WWE Classics on Demand reflects the Christmas season well. Instead of airing the two episodes that would have been next in their “History of Monday Night Raw” series (which very sadly would have had them airing “Raw is Owen” a week before Christmas – now it appears to be the last Raw the channel will ever air as they shut down operations at the end of January 2014), we are being treated to a Raw from December 1993 and later this month, one from December 1994.
“History of Monday Night Raw” host and all around great individual Renee Young opens the show, bringing us up to speed on what was going on in 1993 which starts with her telling a story about getting a puppy for Christmas before recapping some 1993 storylines leading into this show. The actual Raw episode begins with a recap of Tatanka trying to extract revenge on Ludvig Borga prior to Yokozuna coming out for a two on one attack but Lex Luger came out and made the save by once again slamming Yokozuna… but enough of that, it’s CLASSIC 1993 RAW INTRO TIME!
Vince McMahon is doing colour commentary with The Quebecers of all people. They talk about the upcoming Johnny Polo vs. Marty Jannetty match while that damn Raw siren just keeps blaring in the background. I can’t complain though, that thing rules. Barry Horowitz is in the ring for his opponent – “Made in the USA” Lex Luger, complete with festive graphics in his name chyron. Jacques poses the question as to why Luger is all oiled up and Vince has an answer because OF COURSE Vince has an answer for such a question – it makes him harder to grapple. Jacques says that if he were Luger, he’d “try to enhance his look too.” Read into the “enhance” comment what you will. For reasons I cannot comprehend, Horowitz gets the upper hand on Luger for what seems like forever though it may only be 90 seconds, but Lex eventually charges out of the corner with a big clothesline, hits a powerslam, and then… nails a superplex? That seemed like an odd transition spot for a Luger squash match, but apparently that was actually how he won the match. I guess we weren’t quite at the Rebel Rack finisher yet.
We’re shown footage of an October 25, 1993 match between the 1-2-3 Kid and Marty Jannetty (in his old black and green Rockers tights instead of his usual mid 90’s singles gear) while Johnny Polo (clad in an outfit straight out of Rick Martel’s 1992 collection, particularly the captain’s hat) keeps interfering.
Johnny Polo comes to the ring in a pair of khakis and a totally early 90’s Nike jacket (it’s several different colours, and none of them are particularly good) and gives The Quebecers a hug before we go to commercial. Back from commercial, Polo has removed his jacket and has quite the colourful singlet on. Marty makes his entrance and AGAIN he’s wearing his Rockers gear, I believe from WrestleMania VII, despite the match graphic showing him in his neon Aztec gear. I find it kind of funny that even though Polo was a wrestler in WCW before this and went on to great fame in ECW (and then back to WCW and WWF) as Raven, it just feels so weird seeing this character wrestle. His physique in this match leads me to believe if he was a bit taller, he might have gotten a bigger push as a WWF wrestler in the 90’s. Vince notes Marty is a PREMIER WWF Superstar to combat Jacques berating him but he seems to be having problems with a man who, in WWF canon, is just a manager… a manager who just dove over the top rope to the floor! It wasn’t pretty – at all – but it was a good spot. Marty comes back by catapulting himself into the ring but ends up in a chinlock for his troubles, which leads to a double collision spot that puts both men down on the mat. When they get to their feet, Jannetty begins rockin’ and rollin’ to fire up the crowd but Jacques, to my great amusement, labels this Marty’ing Up as him “cheating.” Jannetty continues his momentum with a high cross body off the top rope, which I actually bought as a potential finish (because it’s just Johnny Polo) but Polo kicks out and Jacques notes you shouldn’t “count your apples before they grow.” Pierre, who has not said one English word on commentary, rushes over to Polo’s aid after he was dropkicked out of the ring but Marty hits a baseball slide on both of them. Back in the ring, Polo tries to sneak up on Marty while Pierre distracts him but gets, umm, “hit” (“in the gut,” as Vince put it) by a really, really poorly timed and executed superkick, so Marty just does another one before going to the top rope. Pierre is still out and about, so Marty makes the mistake of diving on him which sends us right into the finish of Jannetty trying to do a sunset flip on Polo from the ring apron into the ring, but the move is blocked and Pierre holds Polo’s arms for leverage while Joey Marella counts 3.
Next up – Yokozuna Claus! Clips of Yokozuna dressed up as Santa (but no beard) at Rockefellar Plaza, giving gifts to smiling children who kiss him while Mr. Fuji says, “Merry Christmas Undertaker Paul Bearer”… but then the music gets all distorted and Yokozuna wakes up from a nightmare.
That Christmas fun is short lived as Doink and Dink come out to while a jobber named Spike Gray (no relation) patiently waits for the clowning around to stop so he can do the job and get his money. Spike Gray decides to accept an offer of gum from Dink which, despite no trap mechanism being visible, apparently hurt his finger. Vince notes that he may not look it, but Doink is one of the all time great scientific wrestlers in WWF history. WWF HISTORY. Vince was really laying on the hyperbole for the mid-carders on this night. Finally, Doink and Spike look to lock-up, but Dink starts messing around again, this time on the top turnbuckle, so Spike goes after him and gets kicked in the face and in the only move of the match, Doink hits a German Suplex for the pinfall victory. Screw that, I’m declaring Spike Gray the winner by disqualification.
It’s time to RUMBLE, it’s time for the ROYAL RUMBLE… Report, featuring Todd Pettengill. Todd suggests that since Christmas shopping is now over, you might as well call your cable company and order the Rumble RIGHT NOW. We get a rundown of the announced Rumble participants including Crush from Hawai’i, Mabel from MOM, and Scott Steiner from “Mr. and Mrs. Steiner.” Thanks Todd. “Now a Canadian transitional phrase, also shed-uled to appear…” – I’m not even sure what Todd means by that, but he tells us that Greg “The Hammer” Valentine is making his WWF return at the Rumble and tells us his inside source is saying it’s looking likely Jack Tunney may be allowing Lex Luger in the Rumble.
Oh man, one of the best things about these early Raws – the overly dramatic promos advertising the next show’s main event (which in this case is The Smoking Gunns vs. Bam Bam Bigelow and Bastion Booger – what a tag team encounter to kick off 1994 with).
Crush gets set for a match with Mike Moraldo, who I’m fairly confident Vince will not refer to as a premier WWF superstar or one of the all time greatest scientific wrestlers in history. Crush very, very, very methodically works over Double M before capturing him in a head vice off an Irish Whip, which included slamming his head down to the mat, and that was kind of a neat way to apply the move.
We join Paul Bearer and Undertaker in the Casket Workshop to discuss the upcoming Casket Match at the Royal Rumble with Yokozuna. Taker consults his plans for the casket, which appears to be a drawing of a box that says “Yoko Casket” with no dimensions or measurements. The segments ends when Undertaker wishes ‘Zuna a Merry Christmas and places another wood slab down on the casket (complete with a Christmas wreath) and slowly saying “Ho. Ho. Ho.”
Bret Hart advises us to enjoy our holiday partying, but DON’T Drink and Drive. A Message from the WWF. We then go to terrible promos where Alundra Blayze and Heidi Lee Morgan discuss the finals of the WWF Women’s Championship tournament followed by clips of their match and title win by Alundra. Vince then promised that THE BAD GUY Razor Ramon was up next.
Even better than that, up next was a KWANG VIGNETTE. Kwang jumps around as a gong is hit numerous times. As Razor Ramon comes out for his match against Derek Domino, Jacques notes that Domino will “deliver Ramon in 30 minutes or less.” Oy. It doesn’t end there – Jacques notes that abdominal stretch Razor applies is a Domino Stretch, Vince says after the match Domino might be headed to a Pizza Hut and that Ramon is no Little Caesar. Damn it, guys, now I want pizza. Somewhere in here there is a discussion about Razor and Fidel Castro’s daughter and a conspiracy involving Jack Tunney. Ramon spares the world of more of this commentary by hitting the Razor’s Edge for the three count.
Renee joins us in the present to detail the fall-out of the storylines on the storylines from this episode as we wrap-up the show. I assure you that even though I used the term present and wrap-up, and Renee is of course a gift to the fans, there was no intentional punnery in there.
Well, that was some fun nostalgia, and it closed out Raw’s very first year on the air. Later this month we’ll look at the 1994 Christmas Raw, which unlike this show actually aired before Christmas. Since this one aired after, courtesy of the last episode of WWF Superstars from 1992, here’s a New Year’s greeting from WWE:
